Andrew's Ridiculously Stupid Ideas
From mildy ridiculous to disgustingly ridiculous

Just a message to the overtly devout followers of my blog (which number in the single digits I'm sure) that I wish you Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays, or whatever the hell you celebrate at this time of year!

Well ladies and gents, it's been a very interesting week, what with all the fog at British airports holding up all the planes and the people trying to get away from our nasty, evil and mean British weather.

For a start, I'd like to say, "Serves them bloody well right!" How could they leave our most wonderful land of Britishness, where we're all lazy, fat bastards who eat too many chips and watch too much television! How dare they suggest that anywhere is better than our high-crime, shitty healthcare and education nation. Jeez!

Anyhoo, it got me thinking. Fog is a nasty bugger. While there is fog about, the nation sinks into a nasty position. Car accidents go on the increase, people's lives are disrupted, animals can't see prey and die of starvation and the pregnancy rates go through the roof. Not only this, but the US government cant use their big spy satellites to see what Joe Bloggs is plotting in his back garden. Shock horror, it truly is a most disturbing time, when the fog descends upon us. So I thought, why not make a device that gets rid of fog!

Now, this couldn't just be any old device. No no, it would have to produce FREE ENERGY to make it viable. That's right folks, free energy. It would get rid of fog by sucking it in a giant trumped shaped nozzle in the top. From here, it would pipe the fog through a special vortex to hell. Now, as we all know, hell is very hot. We've all been there at least once. As everyone in hell knows, it's too hot, so we create a trade-off. The heat from hell would be used to heat water to steam, which would, in turn, turn turbines, creating a source of energy. Meanwhile, the people in hell get fog. How's this any use I hear you ask? Well, I'll let the following discussion elaborate on that point.

"Tum te dum de dum de dahh....."
"Erm, what are you doing?"
"I'm creating energy. Free energy!"
"Mmmhmmm. Free energy, thus defying all laws of physics and everything the scientific community stands for."
"Yup, that's right."
"So where does this energy come from?"
"Well, you need a source of fog."
"Fog."
"Fog."
"Fog?"
"Fog."
"Fog?"
"Right shut up."
"Ahem, so what, you use fog to create free energy?"
"Yup."
"And how, in Mary, Jesus and Joseph's name do you figure that will work?"
"That was an oddly appropriate statement considering the time of year."
"Why yes, yes it was. Anyway, continue."
"Well, you pipe in fog here through this trumpet shaped device, which, through a special vortex, takes it to hell. Then, the heat from hell comes through, heating water here, which turns to steam and turns turbines. It's a most wonderful idea, even if I do say so myself."
"You pipe heat. From Hell."
"Yes, it's mutually beneficial."
"Mutually beneficial. How in baby Jesus' name do you figure that out?"
"Oddly seasonal again."
"Just shut up and answer the question."
"Well duh, fog is cold."
"Oh yes, stupid me" *rolls eyes*
"So what do you think?"
"It's not free energy."
"Yes it is."
"You're trading fog for heat."
"Yes."
"So it's not free"
"Yes it is."
"You're a fucking stupid retard. Did your mother ever tell you that?"
"No."
"Well you're a fucking stupid retard."

I hope this explained how the Fog-O-Matic H311 works. Now, to fund such a device, I need some money, and a deity's co-operation on this front. Could you please send me tons of cash if you're human, and if you're a god of any kind, please take one of the application forms from your local "Yaweh!" mail offices and fill it in. Thanks and Merry Christmas if you're into all that jazz.

It's nearing Christmas time dear readers of Earth. Christmas, the time of celebration of Christ, the time to celebrate a little baby being born onto this earth to spread peace to all mankind, provide hope, and more importantly, fuel the reasoning behind the crusades. An amazing story of incredible importance and significance.

Or so you are told. I've always wondered what wold happen if someone were to take the story of little baby Jesus being born, and turned it upside down. It would be terrible! Christmas would become Satanistic, which would be disasterous for Fleet Street. I mean Woolworths is having a bad enogh time as it is without having to worry about Christmas being a time to celebrate evil.

But imagine how the story would go. In 4 C.B., a baby called Tsirhc Susej was born to Yram in the little town of Mehelhteb. This baby was evil. The epitomy of evil! Not only did he shit in his nappies twice as much as a normal baby but he projectile vomited all over the Roman statisticians when they tried to take census data. Repeatedly. Anyway, there was a good King called Doreh. He foresaw this evil. When people said "zOMG! Teh kill3r of all teh werld has arreved!" he jumped to his feet and told his soldiers to slay only this evil babby (I said babby, not baby, it's cuter, awwww) for he is Satan defined! The soldiers, being soldiers of good, went forth to slay this baby. When they found baby Tsirhc Susej, they slayed him where he lay. However, since he was evil, EVIL I say, he rose from the dead and burnt the entire population of the world to ashes, bar the people of current day Somalia and Vanatu. Ever since, people used the 25th December as a celebration of this evil event.

The End.

Now, imagine this actually happened, and imagine Christmas was, infact, a Satanistic festival. Firstly, and foremostly, it would be confusing. Satanists have this really irritating habit of reversing words, which, frankly, is stupid (For those of you who are either too dense or just plain retarded, Tsirhc Susej is Jesus Christ backwards). It pisses me off to no end it does. How stupid do you have to be to have to reverse your words just so you can be different. Doing so reverses the classification of anyone who does so fromintelligent to stupid twatface. Sheesh. Also, Christmas would be a time of going round with T-Shirts that say "C.U. in hell!" (aka Christian Union), "It's cold at Christmas, a nice stint in the depths of hell can warm your feet anyday" and "zOMG Xmaz i5 teh sux0rzzz!". Your local travel agents would be offering holidays to such destinations as "The Hood, Brooklyn", The Red Light District in Amsterdam and the "All you can slay"-fest in Midwest America, which, frankly, are of no interest to anyone at the current time. Ahem.

And then what about presents? I for one am a commercialised bastard, I like my presents at Chrimbo. What would I get instead? Ash? Coal? A very stained pair of ex-Russian underwear? God knows. Or would he during this time of incredible evil?

All in all, it would be a sucky event. As a result, I think it is of clear importance that we make sure it never happens. If anyone can be bothered, we'll march towards Parliament shouting "Christmas is for the masses, not just for the Satanists!" and "Satanists sllab yeknom kcus!" All who agree, send me lots of money!

You know, although I haven't updated this blog in a long while, I do have an excuse. An excuse that I'm not going to tell you because I don't respect the intelligence of my readers, but an excuse none-the-less.

However, something drove me to update this fanciful blog today. It's all based off that radiation poisoning of the ex-KGB Russian agent, Libbydubby or Litsudenaa or Litvenkopoo or whatever the hell his name is, or rather, the Italian buddy he met at that sushi bar before he died.

The guy in question has enough faults as it is. He was alledgedly poisoned, and he's Italian, so altogether an unfortunate bloke. However, what's more unfortunate is his name. His name dear readers. You know what his name is. It's Gaidar. Gaidar. A sorry sounding name for a sorry sounding person. However, it got me thinking. I have a friend called Terran. Not an unfortunate one, but a weird one none-the-less. What would be more unfortunate would be if he was called "Peniscrusher", as that would be an unfortunate and thoroughly stupid name.

Mind you, we hear that different and "interesting" names will set you up well in life. According to the most thorough and just scientific research by the scientists from that University that you're sure you've-heard-of-but-have-no-idea-where-it-is-and-how-much-you-have-to-pay-to-get-a-doctorate-from, people with weird and wonderful names are more likely to succeed at interviews, get a higher paid job and generally have a successful life. That is if you manage to survive the first 15 years of torment from your schoolfriend because your mother thought she was being original when she called you "Moonraker Baby", as someone, I've heard of, was unfortunately called.

Now you see, if we all had unfortunate names like "Bodecea", "Arsemingledmonkey", "Mieter Binesdirtey", "Dickface" or "G. Bush", everything would be well and fine! As I said earlier, scientific research shows you'll do better in interviews and get more money from your job. Not only this, but the added brilliance is that if everyone has a stupid name, then you'll not have to spend the first 15 years of your life being figuratively hung, drawn and quartered, with your entrails used to strangle your best friend and your pet kitten. You see, once again, I have a wonderful idea.

Now anyone who thinks this is a good idea should sent a SAE to Downing Street telling them of my great policy. And how about sending me money too. I like money and I want to buy stuff at Christmas. Indeed.

I'll tell you something. Hands are incredible devices. Yes they are! You can use hands for a wide variety of things, such as lifting objects, holding things, pushing or pulling things, and even more risque things that don't bear mentioning on a site read by my 8 year old cousin. They're so incredibly useful, that people like Queen Elizabeth II have a pair, as does Johnny Depp and Mrs. Tweedy from Chicken Run. If celebrities and important personalities like these have hands, hands must be incredibly hip and in at the minute. The last time I saw a person with no hands, people had surrounded him in a circle, pointed at him and laughed at him. I would have joined in (to be in with the crowd and all that jazz), but I was late for an urgent appointment.

So I came to the conclusion that hands are so incredibly important, we should have more of them. Yes. If you had 10 hands, it would be easy to scale a wall, or climb along a ceiling. A marvellous idea if even I say so myself.

Now, hands can be made from a variety of things, but the most useful ones are probably made of a substance called flesh. Flesh is a meaty substance that can be used for not only making hands, but for making legs, or grilling and serving with potoatoes. It would need to be supported by a substance I like to call bone. You could fashion a hand out of these two things, but that would be annoyingly time consuming.

A much easier way would be to harvest hands. You could take them from people who don't deserve to be chic and cool, such as chavs/spides. No-one really likes these people, so we could simply go, harvest their hands to provide to the more upper echeleons of society. You could harvest them from old and ugly people, yet their hands are brittle and covered in folds of old skin, which is both unattractive and unhygenic.

Using a combination of superglue and a welding gun, hands could be fused to any part of the body. I personally would like a hand on my lower spine, so i can support myself while leaning on lamp-posts. One on each ankle would be useful to as it would help me clamber over rocks and suchlike.

Some less... decent... yes that's a good word, less decent members of society could have a hand fused to their navel. What they would use that for is possible unmentionable on a self-respecting blog. Which is why I will mention it. They could use it for sickening acts. Very sickening ones. I hesitate to say, but it could be used to FIRE A HUGE WHOPPING LASER AT THE MOON BLOWING IT INTO A MILLION PIECES!!! Sweet lord I said it. Dear me. I hope you can apologise.

In any case, this idea, which is great in principle, should be force adopted by all governments of the world. If you agree with me, then please send me lots of money, as I have little and am in need of some surgery. Desperately in need. Please feed me as well. And buy me a car. How about a small island off the coast of Argentina? That would be great. Thanks.

You know, yesterday, or rather last evening and this morning, I was at our student uninion, dressed up as a cowboy no less. A cowboy!

Now, a friend of mine, Ciaran, obviously off his face on alcohol (bless his soul!), came over to me in his cowboy costume (inferior to mine of course) and said that he was "offended" that he wasn't in my blog. My first thought was, "Sweet lord, he's off his face." This thought was shortly followed by "Jesus! He's had plenty to drink". Thoughts along these lines continued for several more seconds before a new thought popped up: "Cowboys are really a bunch of wankers!".

Now OK, I may be a bit biased here. The only "cowboys" I've ever met are stupid fat men who spend all their time talking about tractors, and going "Nuuuuuuun!" in a stupid impression of a tractor engine, all the while talking about which is best, a Massey Ferguson or a Same (pronounced "Sammy" for some reason).

So it got me thinking, why not put cowboy's to real use? Surely robots could carry out their jobs for half the effort and half the price? You know, give the subsidy money to more deserving causes. Meanwhile, these macho cowboy people can be used in a much more profitable way. To generate electricty!

Cowboys love nothing more than to show off their "bulging muscle", which usually is just fat that they've surgically duct taped into the shape of muscle. Infact, they love to show it off to equally stupid "cowgirls". So what you do is, you hang all the cowgirls from a wire thread tied to a crane at the end of a series of long conveyor belts. You then place all the cowboys on the conveyor belts. The cowboys, seeing the cowgirls, will attempt to run towards to the cowgirls, oblivious to the fact that they will never reach the cowgirls. This will continue for lengthy periods of time, creating vast amounts of clean (if you minus hairy, sweaty cowbastards), renewable energy!

See, the Green Parties go wild! The economists cheer because it's a free source of electricty, and the rest of the populous cheer to get rid of such a disgusting subspecies of the human race.

So Ciaran, you've inspired me to go on a neverending quest to put cowboys to real use, congratulations!

It's quite cold in sunny Stockton-on-Tees. Plenty of sun, but there's a really cold wind, which is quite strong. So, the cogs in my brain (all four of them) started turning for no apparent reason, while I thought up a topic for today's blog. How to stay warm when its cold.

My super genious idea would be to genetically alter everyone so they could breath fire, King Arthur's dragon sort of idea (King Arthur had a dragon called Lionel. Widely condemned to be a hippy, Arthur had to sack Lionel, who then began peddling low quality cooked chicken products, before dissapearing under mysterious circumstances three years later). If we could breathe fire, you could say goodbye to radiators, central heating, hot water tanks and anything within 10 feet of you when you ignite the air. Global warming would reverse, and the metal used to make radiators could be made into cheap computers to sell to Africa.

It could also save many lives. Guns would no longer be necessary, or even useful, as the superheated fire that comes out would vapourise any bullet or projectile. Defence budges would be cut a dozen times over, allowing more money to be ploughed into useless government schemes aimed at educating illiterate ninety year olds with a lifespan of 90.2 years.

It would also be a great new way for men to show off to women. For the men amongst us whose faces bear an unfortunate but uncanny similarity to a rotting mushroom, this would be a way to pull ladies, even if they also have faces like decayed vegetables. I'm sure the ability to breathe fire would also give a bit of spice to any relationship, even if it involves one of the halves being turned into Mr Wright's rock garden ash fertilizer.

But most importantly, space would easily be within our grasp. Instead of having to use heavy tanks full of oxygen and hydrogen, both thoroughly flammable and explodable, use a group of twenty slaves imported from the recesses of Colombian prisons to power the rocket to glory using none other than their mouths (If you're thinking it, no, you're a dirty git).

However, editing the genomes of everyone would be a monumental task. Rather, I should have the ability to breathe fire, and maybe one other person. Then I'd be able to rule the world! Actually, now that I think about it, I'll go look in the Yellow Pages now... Genetic manipulation...

You know what would be quite disturbing? I'll tell you what, if we were all made out of steel. Why would this be disturbing one might ask? Well mosy people wouldn't be able to tell you, but I would.

You see, steel, next to denim, is the strongest and most versatile substance known to man (denim is really flexible steel, and can be used to make boats, walls and replacement testes/ovaries). It can be made into a variety of things useful to everyday life. But that's life as a sack of spuds, a tower of microbes or a transvestite. Our lives would be so significantly better if we weren't made from something with the strength of an old rusty pulley that so old and rusty that you couldn't rust it any more without causing Armenia to implode. Who needs airbags and seatbelts if we were made of steel? We could just step out of the trashed wreckage of our cars and hop onto a bypassing bus.

But having car crashes that cannot harm you is on the ligher side of a two sided coin (which are, in many cases, alloys including steel). There are so many problems associated with being made of steel, I really don't have time to invent repeat them.

Firstly if made of steel, we would, in fact, be as cold as steel, and thus require huge amounts of energy to keep us warm (we may be made of steel, but having urine freezing in your urethra is an unpleasant experience I would not wish any of you to experience). Being so heavy is not good either, Dr B. M. Index would have to reinvent his scale, taking countless minutes away from the good doctor fixing and repairing people, resulting in higher mortality rates. Then there's the oxygen. Think about it, steel is made from a simple mathmatical formula:

Iron Ore + Coal = Steel - Oxygen

So when we breath, we are actually contributing to our own deaths. It could be long, slow and painful.

And finally, and nearly most importantly, love making, initimate relationships, loveless love, or whatever you want to call it would be very difficult. Having that certain inflexibility when it comes to certain "movements" would dilute the whole experience, and make it worthless, contributing to a bottoming out of birth rates.

So let's just hope that we never have to face the situation of being made of steel.

Hello dear readers!

I apologise for the lack of updates recently. Being Chrimbo, and just having finished exams, I have had a break. I apologise, for I am sure you are riveted by my postings.

I hereby promise I will update soon!

I must severely apologise for my recent lack of updates. This was due mainly to an overly hectic timetable and life, eg exams, flat issues, and other problems which I will not discuss here owing to time/boredom constraints.

Which brings me round nicely to my incredibly brilliant idea. Have you ever been bored? Alternatively, have you ever been so happy, that you want the moment to last forever? Well then, I have the perfect device for you!

My "X-300 Super Incredible Time Editor Device" is an incredibly useful device. You wear it like a watch, except it must be worn on your ankles. On the device is a simple dial, which you can turn either clockwise or anti-clockwise. But that's not all! This device can be used to slow or speed up the passage of time. Instead of actually slowing time down, which would be useless, the rate at which time passes decreases or increases. For example, if you have an hour long session with Mrs Montague, no strings attached, you can extend time, so although you may be going at it for 5 hours, you still have 15 minutes left! Alternatively, if you find yourself hideously bored in a lecture (an experience I, unfortunately, experience on a nearly daily basis), you can speed time up, so by the time your lecturer gets to the third slide, it's time for lunch!

Of course, this will have patented anti-cheat technology. This prevents you slowing down time during exams, giving you more time to think, or speeding it up so once you're finished, no-one else has time to. This can be deactivated, for the pricely sum of £3,000,000, payable to me. Unfortunately, I only accept cash and Visa Debit cards at this time.

Everyone who wants to buy this will also need to be carefully vetted before being allowed to buy one. For example, George Bush could say "I swear on my life, I'll only bomb Iran for 5 minutes", and Iran could be a 300m deep crater, with 10 million lives lost and $374,324,678,204,091,284 spend on bombs, with 3 minutes left.

And how much will this wonderous device cost? Let me tell you that you can get it for a mere £100,000,000. Please pay in cash only, preferably in Northern Bank's PVC £5 notes (I like them). Thank you.

If any of you listen to Chris Moyles on Radio 1 on the Radio 1 Breakfast show, you'll know that quote. It's associated with the morning, something I generally don't like having to associate myself with, but have to regardless. In other words, a morning post is an incredible rarity (in other words, I came in a hour early for my lecture, because I can't read), so enjoy while you can you miserable plebs. (God's handbook of good blogging says I should never insult my readers. However, I don't believe in God and I believe that your feelings are impervious to snide comments made on a blog. Therefore I will call you a pleb. No offence meant)

In any case, I was watching the car park this morning as I locked up my bike (yes I cycle to university). All the spaces were full, and cars were going round in circles. Round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round etc. Now why would they be doing this? Is it because they were looking for a space? No no! I'll tell you what it's all about.

Its quite clear from the incredible amount of time I spent studying this phenomenon (about a minute - my bike-lock was being pooey this morning), that this is no car park space hunting exercise. No no, it is actually to do with World Domination on the highest scale and rank possible in the human genome. These people have been mind controlled by an evil psycology student (you know who you are), who's lone task in this world is to take control of the world. This psycology student has fitted mind wave emitters to the bottom of these cars, and by making the cars drive in a certain pattern, these mind waves combine and form Mega Manevolent Mind Masticating Mission Rays (M.M.M.M.M.R.). Deadlier than the M.M.R. jab, these rays begin to liquify the mind, turning it into a goopy goop of goopy stuff. This mind can then be remoulded into whatever the evil mastermind wishes it to. Of course, some people are immune, such as myself, as I don't have a mind to liquefy.

This will mean I will have to start a merry band of people to resist this curse. Using my patented "Gloop-away" cream, myself and my band of merry men (and women - although more men, as women have more complex minds and are thus more susceptible to M.M.M.M.M.R.) will cure these people, and stop the evil psycology student's plan right in its tracks (incidentally, they are forest tracks). This is a topical cream which will need to be directly applied to the brain. The easiest way to do this is to coat a bullet in Gloop-Away and shoot them in the head, but this has the unfortunate side-effect of killing the subject. So I have also invented a brain application tube. The tube, with a grinding rotating blade nestled on the end of the nozzle, drills through the skull, stopping short of the brain, before applying the anti-evil-gloop cream to the brain. This remoulds the brain into its former state, thus ridding the poor soul of the evil psycology student's evil plans for evil world domition of evil plan of evil - erm - thing.

Of course, you must help me in my crusade against evil. I can't afford all this, as I'm a poor student (relatively to society, but not in relation to students, I'm still not in my overdraft, huzzah!). Anyone wishing to help should send a cheque to me, made payable to "Anti-M.M.M.M.M.R. research funding". Thank you.

I've created a sideblog archive to reduce the length of my sidebar on the left there. For now, I'll just pop the link here, but from next post on, a few posts will be deleted from the end each time.


So, head to the archive here.

Before I begin, I'll apologise. I have not added a post for a few days now. This is due to a household emergency, a slutty, two-faced bitch, an assault and a robbery. These have all been sorted, and now everything is back to abnormal.

Anyway, I've always wondered about the so called "wisdom" of the circle. Everywhere you look, it's circle, circle, circle. The wheel, the circle of life, circle of protection, 360 degrees, o and 0, it's seen as asthetically pleasing and the boreholes of guns are circular too (Although you generally don't see these for very long). They can be used in peace, but they're also used in war, and stagnate the technological development of the world. This is a fact. It may be an ubsubstantiated fact, with no evidence to support it, but nevertheless, it is fact.

I'll start off with my first negative. Circles have stagnated the technological development of the world. Let's start with the wheel. Now if the circle had never existed, sure, the horse and cart might have taken a bit longer to invent. But think! We have been using the wheel for about 6,000 years! 6,000 years of sameyness. Trinny and Susannah would have a field day. A horse is easy enough to invent, but if there were no circles, then what? I'll tell you. Instead of a horse and cart, you'd have a horse and hovercart. Yes. We would be hovering a long time ago. Think of the benifits to society! Cars that can hover! Isn't that every person's dream? To have a car that can hover. If you don't think so, dig deep inside, and you'll know it's your true heart's desire.

In nature, the circle of life rules every living creature. It's a terrible object, but also flawed. You see, if we obeyed a "line" of life, then we would be immortal, as we'd never die. The line would be never-ending, like a circle, but with no death and decomposition stage. So all you people who want immortality, it's the circle to blame.

Also, holy things have a halo. A halo of gold. Now what's wrong with that circle? Well it's made of gold. Circles are commonly made of gold (or silver), which makes them highly desirable objects. They're called "rings" in our case. See, halos and rings lead to crime. People want to steal the rings, and people kill due to religion (intrinsically related to the halo). So the majority of crime and terrorism is also due to the circle.

They also emphasise human weakness and inadequacy. Draw a perfect circle. Go on. Na na, you can't. And neither can anyone else. You can't even make a circle, which means you are inadequate, in the world of circles. So circles also lead to depression and suicide.

I suggest that all circles be replace with squares. Nothing in life is ever as simple as a circle. They're always bumps along the way. A square has edges which represent bumps. Also, they have a greater surface area, which means they'll slow down bullets and increase wind resistance, saving lives. Not only that, but they can be used to poke people when they don't listen to you, and as they are sharper, will cause them pain and make them take notice of you. It's the perfect attention seeking device.

In any case, my square mouse is digging into my palms now, so I will stop. Bonjour and Konichiwah!

I was doing a check on my referrals using my handy SiteMeter tools. Now, I've had two hits from North America, one from the US, and one from Canada. The search queries were "Andrew is stupid" and "Why is Andrew stupid".

May I just take a moment out of my day to laugh at this Andrew. You must be a wanker to have two people, from two different countries in North America ask why you are stupid. I laugh at you. Ha.

Today, I shall put forward a proposal. One day, everyone is happily living along when the most superest, incrediblest disease in the history of the world EVER wiped out every living creature on the earth, with the exception of cows. Let's examine this.

First of all, we'll deal with domesticated dairy cows. What would happen to them? One could guess that their udders would explode due to the pressure of milk exerted on their mammary glands. Or would it? I think, that unsupressed with their human owners' influences, they would be able to find novel ways to demilk themselves. Milk orgies would be organised by the cows (a kind of sick, perverted sexual act which involves rubbing their udders over other cows' faces) in order to relieve their tensions. Some of the more scholarly cows would also invent milking machines. Scholary cows, at the minute, are very rare, but easily noticed. They all wear red fez caps and sing the Kenyan national anthem in mooish (the cow native tongue).

Also considered would be reproductability. Obviously, cows have, as of yet, developed few ways to cross barbed wire fences and gates. This would need to be overcome to allow bulls and cows to meet, to recreate and create new generations of baby cows (which I will name calves). This would also give them a way to get rid of their excess milk.

Now wild cows, they would have the upper hand, and would most likely rise to powerful positions (Councillor of Cowtropolis, President of the UNC - United Nations of Cows and MM chief - Milk management), as their experience of wildness would aid them, not forgetting the domesticated breeds to be submissive and meek.

However, what they must be concerned that these "wild" cows don't fall to the "wild" side of life. No doubt it will only take 4 days from them to discover how to ferment milk, and then, alcohol abuse will rule the lives of the wayword cow. No doubt turning tails into potent hallucinogenic drugs will evade them for only a few months, and the abilility to create thermonuclear bombs from cow droppings only a few years. This will, inevitably lead to Cow World War I (CWWI), which will prove fatal in the case of the more extreme, eugenic obsessed cows, as democracy and free thinking takes hold in the aftermath.

Cow art is another consideration. Choirs will be very limited, as all cows seem to have the same vocal range as a 2-stroke motorbike. Art will be hugely clamped down on, due to the cows lack of opposable digits. Strangely patterned hoofmark prints will be prized, and sold for thousands of gallons of milk each.

And finally, the ultimate question, will cows ever reach space? Well the obvious answer is yes. Production cows would be used to create excess amounts of shit, which will give off methane. This will be used to power the latest generation of methane fuelled rocketships, which will finally remove the limitations of gravity held cows. And who knows; maybe one day they'll build a colony on the moon.

I say the best of luck to the new dominant species of earth. And whenever the US navy seals are automatically defrosted at the end of the cryogenic storage period, they'll be domesticated, bred, and used for production of rare cow delicacies.

You know, I hardly got any sleep last night, so today, I felt quite shit. I had to take a nap. I mean come on, a nap??? What a bloody great waste of time! So I thought of something, something that would once again solve all the world's problem!

Eliminate sleep! Sleep is a terrible thing. It wastes, on average, about 8 hours a day for the average person. EIGHT HOURS! Do you know how many years that takes up in an average lifetime? Well I don't either, but it'll boggle the mind! Scientists say: "You need sleep to function", "it's a necessary part of life". Bollocks I say! Down with sleep and its unproductiveness!

So how do I propose the elimination of sleep? Well it's quite simple really. Scientists, at my "Utterly Supreme Ideas Inc." are already in the process of creating what I like to call "sleep deterrants". These "deterrant" are actually genetically engineered creatures. They look like a mini ostrich, but can fly at speeds of up to 3000km/hr. Their task, if the choose to accept it, which they will because I'll force them to with threats of reduction of their favourite "pointless" flavour food, is to stop you from sleeping. They will fly all over the world. If they catch anyone sleeping, they peck them repeatedly on the head until the person wakes up! Talk about efficiency! And don't think you'll be able to lock yourself in to get a rest. No no! These birds have beaks made of diamond, and can drill through anything! Yes! Anything at all!. And with their patented X-Ray-Infared-Gamma ray-lifesign detecting neural pathways in their brain, they can find anyone, anywhere!

Now think of the benifits to society! No more sleep means many more productive hours, manufacturing such things as paint, potatoes, sheep, and of course reality TV shows. Every nation in the world will benifit. Not only that, asylums and mental institutions will boom to cater for all the stresses of no-sleep life. This is good, because I have huge amounts of shares in these companies, and would stand to make a bob or two, but that's not for now.

Granted, some people may go mad, but with my pecker birds on hand, they'll be snapped to their senses in no-time. I also should mention that these birds have mind-altering devices, which can strip the madness clean out of you and turn it into a power source! So double the benifit.

So, how much will this grand scheme cost? Well nothing, as I'm happily paying for it all. Well, that's if you discount the loss of sanity, cohesive society and all that jazz, but who says that's important?

Anyway, I'm off to bed now. Being tired, I need a good night's sleep to come up with some more ideas tomorrow!

No society is perfect. Regardless of what we all think, flaws proliferate soceity, much like mould has proliferated into one of my flatmate's wall. Like a green slime, flaws coat society, and bring with it corruption, disease and reality TV shows. So, why not invent the "perfect" nation? I say perfect in inverted commas as no society can be truly perfect, but that can't stop me making a damn good stab at it eh?

I propose Bananaland. Located on a remote island somewhere in the Atlantic, placed cunningly outside the Bermuda Triangle so it doesn't go missing, this will be the home of a new nation of near utopia, where wants and needs no longer feature in the day to day life of the citizens.

I of course, would be supreme emperor of this nation, as I have the vision necessary to make this utopia. It won't be a dictatorship, like many African rulers favour, more of a "father-knows-best" state, where each of my decisions reflects the positive society I would preside over.

Now you may wonder why it's called "Bananaland". This name is a cunning ploy to disguise the fact that the nation's main food will be the banana. However, you will not have to pay for these fresh, tasty bananas, oh no. Instead, the state allocates you a set number of bananas per day, to do whatever you wish with. This cunning system also is incorporated into our crime and punishment system. Instead of being put in jail, your banana rations are reduced accordingly, depending on the severity of the crime you commited. Hungry people are desperate people, and a healthy dose of desperation can help any criminal get over their criminal tendencies.

Of course, for this to work, Bananaland will ban all other foodstuffs. Nutrition will not be a problem, as everyone gets our patented "mega-tablet", which supplies all the vitamins and minerals you need to live and prosper (minus the contents of the bananas of course, to tie-in with our crime and punishment system). All will be well, and no-one will starve. Honest.

Secondly, there will be no such thing as money. Pidgeons will manufacture everything, which will be freely available to any citizien of Bananaland. Of course, pidgeons tend to shit a lot, which is why one of the first projects will be a mechanicised production scheme, using purely robots. Of course, robots manufacturing robots is never a good idea (eg, I, Robot), which is why Will Smith will be posted on the island to deal with any renegade robots that try to destroy our way of life. People order what they want, and they are fabricated using materials that have been but into dumps elsewhere in the world. Using a special teleportation device installed on top of our tallest peak, Mount Megahuge, it will be able to teleport anything on Earth anywhere, and as there is so much waste in the world, we can use it to not only recycle and reduce pollution, but make stuff for free!

Defence will never be an issue. Using our patented "sea plughole" technology, approaching enemy ships will be beached when the world's oceans are sucked away through a plughole. We will of course, control the tap (faucet if you're American and don't understand what a tap is), and can refill the sea whenever the naval threat is open. Wormy anti-bomb-bombs will be used to control any missile threat, and our "Sky eraser" will rid the skies of enemy bombers by teleporting them to the moon. Spies will be caught by "Mind Reader Inc.", a state company which implants monitoring chips in the minds of all people in the country by instantly fabricating the chip inside the person's skull upon entering our national territory. Those who are try to act against our state will be detected, and teleported to the top of K2 (It's harder to climb than Mount Everest). So security will not be an issue.

Weather will never bother us. I will control the weather using my genetically modified owl bridgade, who, using a complex series of lasers, explosions and psychic powers, will change the weather at will. The great thing about this system is that it's accurate to 1m squared, so you can create ultra small patches of weather to meet everyone's needs.

We will also create a space program, aiming to put a man on Pluto by next Saturday, and a colony on ARTX-1173B (a yet undiscovered, but habitable planet) by the following Thursday. In the end, we will control the world with our benevolent father-knows-best tactics.

Currently, there are 9,603 spaces left on the Bananaland citizen reserve list. If you want to join, send a cheque of £34.99 (£30.99 administration and £4 P&P) to me as soon as possible. Thank you.

Night-time. I've been thinking about night-time. And I've been thinking it's a whole load of tosh. You have to waste electricity lighting your home, it gets colder, so people get frostbite, the vast majority of burglaries, rapes, assaults and drunken brawls occur at nighttime. So in all reality, night is a stupid invention, and should instantly, and irrevocably be gotten rid of for all time.

Of course, there is one slight flaw in that idea. Being a round, spherical planet, it makes it difficult to light both sides of the sky at once, since light has a bit of bother travelling through 26,000km of rock, molten iron, concrete structures and people like you and I. So, how do I plan on solving this one eh? Well, with modern technology and a bit of ingenuity on my part, I think the problems will be overcome and eventually solved!

There are two possible ways to do this, one is to use the existing light source, ie, the sun. Alternatively, we could install another light source at the other side of the planet. I have ideas for both, so don't you worry.

In relation to using our existing light source, the answer is simple enough. I propose that a country manufactures the largest industrial laser cutting device known to man and alien alike. It will have to be installed on something like the moon, due to the sheer size of it. It will be operated by genetically modified super duper monkeys (like those from the game Ape Escape), and will be used to make the earth flat! Of course, the earth is similar in ways to an orange. They're both bright orange, and cannot be made into flat objects (the orange peel that is). So, you slice it like an orange, and make it flat as you can. A huge mechanical arm system is installed behind the surface to hold to core and mantle of the earth in position, and make occasional "wobbles", as the vary which part of the flat earth is getting the most light at any one point. Of course, it would be open to exploitation, as it could be monopolised by one country, similar to the way the internet is being monopolised now *cough cough*. But that's not my problem, as now the earth has got rid of night, and along with it, all the undesirable things about it.

Now, if you want to keep the earth round, as some sentimentalists surely will, then we will need another light source. Well, you could actually still use the same light source, however, you would need a huge sheet of mirrors to reflect light to the earth, and that would be irresponsible. If a person managed to break that mirror, there would be enough bad luck to curse mankind into oblivion within 10 minutes. So, alternatively, what I suggest is Phillips, in conjuction with the energy producing aliens of Arkunis IV (do a search for Arkunis IV, it's an Ascidian planet), manufacture the largest energy saving lightbulb known to man and alien alike. The socket for this monster bulb will be placed on an asteroid which will be tugged to a stationary position on the far side of earth. Once this light is turned on, the dark side of the earth will be forever bathed in energy efficient lighting. Obviously, as size increases, bulb life increases, and the predicted lifespan of this energy saving bulb is several trillion hours. Ascidians, being the noble race they are, would ask for no more than a weekly supply of 1,000 Pot Noodles (They have a Pot Noodle ceremony every Thursday).

With the end of nighttime, crime will go into arrest, road accidents numbers will crash, and electricity bills wil be zapped to near oblivion. The environment will improve (ignoring the loss of nocturnal creatures, ecosystems, habitats and entire biomes; they only pretend to be important), and we will be able to operate a more productive 24-hour society (Hell, who says we cant reinvent time!)

And how much will all this cost? As I said, make cheques payable to The Pot Noodle Company to help them pay of our Ascidian benefactors. Thank you.

You're driving along, minding your own business. I'm sure you've done it at some point (you don't have an excuse unless you're under 20 - anyone over 20 who's never driven needs to be deported to - erm - Iceland). You come to a junction, you have right of way, and then FWOOSH - some idiot in a souped up Nova (so hilariously stupid, the souped up Nova) nearly tears the engine from the framework of your car.

After being irritated/annoyed/enraged by this travesty, you drive on. Then suddenly a person with a pram steps out infront of you, and you screech to a halt. The mother then shouts at you as she believes it's her God given right to cross the road whenever and wherever she likes.

This has made me think up of an idea on how to stop such people from doing such ridiculously stupid things. I would never do anything so ridiculously stupid, so why should you or I have to put up with it? So, how do I plan on removing these scum from the roads of Britain/Europe/The World (except North Korea, although you may employ Italian chefs to cook you pizza, you cannot afford enough cars or prams to make this possible)?

It's simple really. In the case of really stupid pedestrians, I suggest that we install rocket engines in the soles of every single piece of footwear sold on Earth (excluding North Korea), along with satellite monitoring chips to both pedestrians and cars. When the monitoring satillite detects a pedestrian about to do something really stupid, it causes the rocket boots to fire, launching that person several thousand feet into the air. This safely removes them from harm's way, and prevents the driver having to break their no claims bonus to get their bumper/bonnet/windshield replaced. Not only would would this help save lives, but it would also benifit space travel research (imaging the money needed to research working, non exploding rocket boots that look fashionable?), but it will also aid the fabirc and parachute manufacturing businesses. Jobs in China would increase by several thousand to deal with manufacturing textiles to make "safe", cheap parachutes. It would also mean, as you are less likely to get run over, your life insurance premiums will go down by several pence. What great value!

Cars will have to go through a different procedures. Specialised adjudicators judge the personality of the drivers, and the design of the cars to determine what gets fitted to them. In the case of important people in expensive cars (eg, doctors in BMWs, politicians in Range Rovers, and old Mrs Tweedy from Hilburn Avenue in her Austin Metro) will be fitted with instant teleportation devices to instantly teleport them out of harms way. In the case of people of medium importance (Members of European Parliment* in their limos, Mr Jones, emergency locksmith for students in Stockton-on-Tees in his Ford Transit and Mr Kipling, who makes exceedingly good cakes, in his Peugeot cake van) will have spring launchers, to launch them over any obstacles (This obviously runs the risk of hitting a bridge or low flying birds, but as the majority of the population lives in this bracket, it would be hideously expensive for any more to be fitted without private contribution). Finally, for unimportant scumballs, such as Brooklyn Jay Grey in his souped up Vauxhall Nova, Chardonnay Wallace in her souped up Vauxhall Nova and Kim Jong Il in his North Korean Motors Super Duper Tank, a different system is installed. Sharing some similarities with the pedestrain system, a rocket booster system is installed in the bottom of the vehicle. Upon near collision, or stupidly idiotic driving, the rocket booster propells them into geostationary orbit around the moon. If they survive this week long journey (ie, if they have some cider in the glove compartment to drink), a MOAB** is launched from the US Super Secret Moon Base Alpha-3***, to safely detonate them away from people. This also provides minerals for mining when large scale colonization of the moon takes place.

This is a super way to protect the lives of people using our roads or paths. But the question is, how much will this cost? Let me tell you that a super secret colony of Malawian swamp grasses will manufacture the money for this epic project. I think that means we win! Of course, the option to upgrade your protection system for people of middling importance is open, for a small fee, payable to Soo. Purr. Industries Conglomerate. Thank you

* I don't actually like MEPs, as I don't like Brussels. The only reason I don't declassify them is because they stop France from invading Belgium, and I like Belgium.
** Massive Ordance Air Bomb for those of you who are uneducated in the ways of modern warfare. It creates the largest, most powerful non-nuclear explosion.
*** If you don't believe me, look at a full moon. See those dark spots arranged in the shape of an oddly suprised face? Those are American Super Secret Moon Bases. They were built in that way as a commemeration to George Bush. The design is called "And then he then realised Tony Blair wasn't the plumber".

A filthy lie assignment for The Alliance

Now, some of you, with nothing better to do in your life, spend all weekend at a computer screen. Which is of course, rather unfortuanate. Now, there are a few exceptions to this. Authors, lawyers and bloggers. These people are allowed to sit at their computers all weekend and not be classified as saddos.

Now take Evil Glenn, being the evil, molesting, sweatshop owning, author/laywer/blogger that he is, well he should be allowed to sit infront of his computer. However, lies information coming from Alliance HQ suggests that, although he has been sitting infront of his computer all weekend, he has been doing none of the acceptable computer marathon tasks.

So the question arises? What has he been doing?

It's quite simple really. He is inventing a device that will be implanted in the minds of all things, living and dead, gasesous and solid and even the things cursed with the double combination of being old and ugly. This device is a chip, (a microprocessor, not a fried potato) that will be installed in one of any orfices present in the human body (I'm sure you can guess Evil Glenn's favourite orfice. Yep you got it, the nostril it is. Have you ever wondered why his finger his constantly covered in a flaky yellow substance?), which, in turn, will make them into demonic soldiers to add to his army of beaurocrats, whose role is to shit on the little guy make his life easier. They will praise his works as "masterpieces" and "enlightenment of the human species" rather than the fungal algae you get in toilets inadequately accepted tosh he fires out now.

Now how does this work? Being an inventor (of sorts), I have some cunning ideas.

These chips are not actually chips. They are infact highly intelligent pieces of toilet algal fungae. These, upon entering an orfice of the body, are promptly abosrbed into the bloodstream. They go to the brain, to analyse it, before putting it on the "Toilet algal funage" real estate market. When interest is shown (as it invariably is), they build a huge building in your brain (huge by their standards), usually constructed out toilet paper, toothpaste and ear-bud sticks. The process damages the brain beyond all repair, and thus makes the demonic zombies think that Evil Glenn's work is actually good.

So if you find yourself starting to like the works of the Evil Glenn, instantly contact me, so I can invent a brain replacement device to promptly replace your brain to return you to normal.

WARNING: What follows is not suitable for persons who are both old and ugly, as this post is making fun of your old and uglyness.

I was in Iceland yesterday (the supermarket, not the country dictatored by Evil Glenn), and I was waiting in a queue. In my local Iceland, due to the rather stupendously stupid layout of the tills, they have to put up the sign "Queue starts here". I, with my basket of wares, was at this sign, waiting for the checkout boy to finish pulling someone's receipt out of the till, ready with the exact amount of money to pay for my items (Which were 3 cartons of juice on a 3 for £2 offer).

What happened next would gave had my hand slowly inching toward handy kitchen knives, if, indeed, there were kitchen knives to reach for. A very ugly old man and very ugly old woman just ambled infront of me with their trolley of kippers or sardines or whatever old ugly people eat.

I, being all for righteousness, correctly thought that old ugly people should not be able to queue jump. Old people, maybe, but I draw the lines when it comes to old AND ugly (Do you ever notice that is the old, ugly people who are at the front of pension queues? It's because they queue-jump). I tapped the guy on the shoulder, and indicated that the line started behind the two other people behind me.

Now, if I was the only person in the queue, and they apologised, I would have let them off. However, instead of doing the polite thing, he just grunted and ignored me. I suppose it was a bit stupid of me to suppose that these pus filled, decrepitly jointed, pension scroungers would be, in any way, polite or considerate (Don't get me wrong, old people are upstanding denizens of society. Ugly people can be alright, as long as they use deoderant or suitable smelly stuff. I'm referring to old AND ugly people).

This promptly made me come up with the idea of a queue jumping prevention system. Well, I lie, I've had this idea for a while, but now I can use it in proper context.

Each till/booth/room/"whatever needs a queue" has a clearly marked lane with QUEUE written repeatedly in it. Along the edge of these lanes are a combination of high tech sensors and high power, industrial strength cutting lasers. At the start of this queue is a high tech tagging system.

Before I carry on, I will take a brief break to wash my hands. I just sneezed, and with no further options, I sneezed into my hand. The rest you can imagine. Please excuse me.

Now that I've returned with freshly washed hands, I may continue. Anyway, anyone who enters the queue at the designated start point is tagged with a teeny weeny microchip, which allows them to path unscathed into the queue. It also allows them to temporarly leave the queue and return, if, for example, mommy forgot to get nappies for baby Bobby. The sensors can also detect if someone is having to queue jump in an emergency, and allows them in. However, if someone, for example, a couple of exceedingly old and ugly people, tries to enter to queue by means of pushing in, they are instantly vapourised by the industrial strength lasers. Alternatively, if the person is detected as a chav, they are stunned by a millisecond blast of the laser, to be arrested for - erm - existing.

This device would bring order to the otherwise disordered world of queueing, and teach people who are both old and ugly that their life is no longer worth living since they can't push into queues anymore.

The question is: "How much for this wonderful, world-order restoring device?" I can tell you now! It only costs £187.99 a lane, with packets of 1000 microchips costing £9.99; it's a low price to pay for peace of mind that when you're number 3 in the queue, you will get served third. Please make all cheques payable to V. A. Porise Industries Ltd. Thank you.

... I have registered a domain name for my fledgeling blog! Yes!

Within the next 24-48 hours, find us at http://www.ridiculously-stupid-ideas.co.uk/ - of course, the old URL will stil work. Huzzah!

#EDIT @ 12:33PM# Well that was quick, looks like the new URL is up and running! Ridiculously Stupid Ideas can now ALSO be found at http://www.ridiculously-stupid-ideas.co.uk/

One day, you're walking to work. You know, just a usual, every-day stroll along the tree line avenues, when suddenly, you're instantly vapourised by a nuclear explosion, detonated by either a terrorist, or fired from a remote location off the coast of Iran, or maybe some dissidents in Russia. In any case, you have died.

Now lets rewind that. You don't want to die, I'm sure. So why wasn't there an invention around to prevent you from being blown up by the nasty bomb? That is a good question.

My suggestion is so: An anti-bomb-bomb! A bomb that is used to blow up these bombs. Now I hear you all cry: "There already is one!". Well maybe, but nothing to the scale or ingenuity of my idea.

Worms, maggots, decomposers etc. You find them everywhere. Soil, rubbish, dead skin, rotting flesh. You name it, you find it. I propose that the MoD fits tiny bombs into the genetic structure of those grubs native to the UK. When a bomb's detonation sequence is started (ie, when someone sets the alarm clock to 8:32AM, and starts the clock ticking), these creatures, at the speed of light (they have speed of light boosters installed), build a huge mount of earth around the bomb, before detonating themselves on the bomb.

This has some major benifits. Worms, being more in tune to nature and madmen than us humans are, are more sensitive to these bombs than we are. Also, being wormey, they are no great loss. Not only this, but they are numerous. Plus, as they can detect bombs before the actually detonate, and deal with it at 3x10e8 m/s. They are also handy at decomposing the remains of the bomb safely (all bombs are made of organically decomposable materials, in conjunction with Greenpeace's "We will kill you children if you don't do green things" policy), and of course, the remains of their dead cousins when they blew themselves up to destroy the bomb.

So let's fast forward. One day, you're walking to work. You know, just a usual, every-day stroll along the tree line avenues, when suddenly, you're instantly vapourised by numerous small explosions, detonated by small worms and grubs that have entered your stomach at the speed of light. You've died. You see, what you've failed to realise is the terroist put the nuclear bomb in your morning Corn Flakes. How do you detect that? That's for another time.

There's nothing more irritating than finding yourself swamped by people, whether it be shopping, clubbing, or just generally on walk-abouts with your mates (or by yourself if you're a Nobby-No-Friends). So, a good while ago, I came up with the idea of a "crowd-control" device.

In principle, it's a rather simple philosophy. For example, if you see a truck barreling towards you at 70mph, you can either move out of the way, or paint the front of the truck in the colour "hint of body". I took this principle into a portable form.

The idea is so: A handheld, plough shaped device, with circular saws in small holes in the middle of each face of the plough. The saws are made in such a way that they make a horrific sound (like a chainsaw/hedgetrimmer hybrid). This firstly alerts people to your presence. They will glance at you heading in their direction, and, if intelligent, move out of the way of your oncoming bodice.

There will be two settings, "Safety" and "Chav". Safety mode is for the general populace. You don't actually want to hurt anyone with this device, as I'm sure even "Sillit BANG" would have a hard time removing the stains. Small sensors detect when someone gets too close, and put on patented "insta-brakes" which instantly stop the saws from rotating, thus saving the fortunate soul from contact with a highly abrasive cleaning agent later on (which, incidentally, would scratch the fine chrome finish on the device). Not only that, but it prevents you from having to spend long periods of time in jail, which would be a waste of time, considering your aim in using the device was to save a bit of time.

Alternatively, there is "Chav" setting. This requires special permission to use, a biometric scanner add-on (available separately) to prove that it's you using it, and a 48 digit individual PIN code, available from your local police station. When "Chav" mode is on, the safety sensors individually scan each person. If the person is judged to be a chav, the circular saws remain on (to those of you who don't know what a chav is, they are also named scallies, spides, rednecks etc. Basically the scum on the street that can't speak properly, wear fake Burberry baseball hats, whiter than white 3 striped/nike/kappa tracksuits, and the latest pair of Reebok trainers, and regularly rob old ladies of their pensions), slicing them into bitesize pieces for the local magpie population. Of course, small amounts of rat poison (specially designed, of course, so it only affects rats) are injected into each piece of flesh, as to cut down the rat population. So it has a double whammy effect. Not only does it remove chav scum from our streets of Britain, it also removes those festering plague animals, the rats.

As for price, the initial unit costs only £129.99, with biometric add-ons costing approximately £49.99 (at time of going to press). Also thrown in are 100 vouchers for 50% off Sillit BANG.

So, if crowds or chavs bother you, then this is the device for you! Make all cheques payable to "Mass A. Care Ltd." Thank you.

Hello there populace of the planet Earth.

This is my new blog, in which I shall alert you all to my ridiculously stupid ideas! If any of you know me, you will already know that I come up with these on a regular basis, so I thought, why mot let the world know of my ideas!

This was all inspired by Charlie Brooker, who some of you may know as a regular contributor to The Guardian's G2 supplement's "Back page", more specifically, his article on "Supposing... we had instant suicide buttons on our heads". So I thought, why not be as famous as him?

So delve into the blog of ridiculously stupid ideas!