Andrew's Ridiculously Stupid Ideas
From mildy ridiculous to disgustingly ridiculous

If any of you listen to Chris Moyles on Radio 1 on the Radio 1 Breakfast show, you'll know that quote. It's associated with the morning, something I generally don't like having to associate myself with, but have to regardless. In other words, a morning post is an incredible rarity (in other words, I came in a hour early for my lecture, because I can't read), so enjoy while you can you miserable plebs. (God's handbook of good blogging says I should never insult my readers. However, I don't believe in God and I believe that your feelings are impervious to snide comments made on a blog. Therefore I will call you a pleb. No offence meant)

In any case, I was watching the car park this morning as I locked up my bike (yes I cycle to university). All the spaces were full, and cars were going round in circles. Round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round etc. Now why would they be doing this? Is it because they were looking for a space? No no! I'll tell you what it's all about.

Its quite clear from the incredible amount of time I spent studying this phenomenon (about a minute - my bike-lock was being pooey this morning), that this is no car park space hunting exercise. No no, it is actually to do with World Domination on the highest scale and rank possible in the human genome. These people have been mind controlled by an evil psycology student (you know who you are), who's lone task in this world is to take control of the world. This psycology student has fitted mind wave emitters to the bottom of these cars, and by making the cars drive in a certain pattern, these mind waves combine and form Mega Manevolent Mind Masticating Mission Rays (M.M.M.M.M.R.). Deadlier than the M.M.R. jab, these rays begin to liquify the mind, turning it into a goopy goop of goopy stuff. This mind can then be remoulded into whatever the evil mastermind wishes it to. Of course, some people are immune, such as myself, as I don't have a mind to liquefy.

This will mean I will have to start a merry band of people to resist this curse. Using my patented "Gloop-away" cream, myself and my band of merry men (and women - although more men, as women have more complex minds and are thus more susceptible to M.M.M.M.M.R.) will cure these people, and stop the evil psycology student's plan right in its tracks (incidentally, they are forest tracks). This is a topical cream which will need to be directly applied to the brain. The easiest way to do this is to coat a bullet in Gloop-Away and shoot them in the head, but this has the unfortunate side-effect of killing the subject. So I have also invented a brain application tube. The tube, with a grinding rotating blade nestled on the end of the nozzle, drills through the skull, stopping short of the brain, before applying the anti-evil-gloop cream to the brain. This remoulds the brain into its former state, thus ridding the poor soul of the evil psycology student's evil plans for evil world domition of evil plan of evil - erm - thing.

Of course, you must help me in my crusade against evil. I can't afford all this, as I'm a poor student (relatively to society, but not in relation to students, I'm still not in my overdraft, huzzah!). Anyone wishing to help should send a cheque to me, made payable to "Anti-M.M.M.M.M.R. research funding". Thank you.

I've created a sideblog archive to reduce the length of my sidebar on the left there. For now, I'll just pop the link here, but from next post on, a few posts will be deleted from the end each time.


So, head to the archive here.

Before I begin, I'll apologise. I have not added a post for a few days now. This is due to a household emergency, a slutty, two-faced bitch, an assault and a robbery. These have all been sorted, and now everything is back to abnormal.

Anyway, I've always wondered about the so called "wisdom" of the circle. Everywhere you look, it's circle, circle, circle. The wheel, the circle of life, circle of protection, 360 degrees, o and 0, it's seen as asthetically pleasing and the boreholes of guns are circular too (Although you generally don't see these for very long). They can be used in peace, but they're also used in war, and stagnate the technological development of the world. This is a fact. It may be an ubsubstantiated fact, with no evidence to support it, but nevertheless, it is fact.

I'll start off with my first negative. Circles have stagnated the technological development of the world. Let's start with the wheel. Now if the circle had never existed, sure, the horse and cart might have taken a bit longer to invent. But think! We have been using the wheel for about 6,000 years! 6,000 years of sameyness. Trinny and Susannah would have a field day. A horse is easy enough to invent, but if there were no circles, then what? I'll tell you. Instead of a horse and cart, you'd have a horse and hovercart. Yes. We would be hovering a long time ago. Think of the benifits to society! Cars that can hover! Isn't that every person's dream? To have a car that can hover. If you don't think so, dig deep inside, and you'll know it's your true heart's desire.

In nature, the circle of life rules every living creature. It's a terrible object, but also flawed. You see, if we obeyed a "line" of life, then we would be immortal, as we'd never die. The line would be never-ending, like a circle, but with no death and decomposition stage. So all you people who want immortality, it's the circle to blame.

Also, holy things have a halo. A halo of gold. Now what's wrong with that circle? Well it's made of gold. Circles are commonly made of gold (or silver), which makes them highly desirable objects. They're called "rings" in our case. See, halos and rings lead to crime. People want to steal the rings, and people kill due to religion (intrinsically related to the halo). So the majority of crime and terrorism is also due to the circle.

They also emphasise human weakness and inadequacy. Draw a perfect circle. Go on. Na na, you can't. And neither can anyone else. You can't even make a circle, which means you are inadequate, in the world of circles. So circles also lead to depression and suicide.

I suggest that all circles be replace with squares. Nothing in life is ever as simple as a circle. They're always bumps along the way. A square has edges which represent bumps. Also, they have a greater surface area, which means they'll slow down bullets and increase wind resistance, saving lives. Not only that, but they can be used to poke people when they don't listen to you, and as they are sharper, will cause them pain and make them take notice of you. It's the perfect attention seeking device.

In any case, my square mouse is digging into my palms now, so I will stop. Bonjour and Konichiwah!

I was doing a check on my referrals using my handy SiteMeter tools. Now, I've had two hits from North America, one from the US, and one from Canada. The search queries were "Andrew is stupid" and "Why is Andrew stupid".

May I just take a moment out of my day to laugh at this Andrew. You must be a wanker to have two people, from two different countries in North America ask why you are stupid. I laugh at you. Ha.

Today, I shall put forward a proposal. One day, everyone is happily living along when the most superest, incrediblest disease in the history of the world EVER wiped out every living creature on the earth, with the exception of cows. Let's examine this.

First of all, we'll deal with domesticated dairy cows. What would happen to them? One could guess that their udders would explode due to the pressure of milk exerted on their mammary glands. Or would it? I think, that unsupressed with their human owners' influences, they would be able to find novel ways to demilk themselves. Milk orgies would be organised by the cows (a kind of sick, perverted sexual act which involves rubbing their udders over other cows' faces) in order to relieve their tensions. Some of the more scholarly cows would also invent milking machines. Scholary cows, at the minute, are very rare, but easily noticed. They all wear red fez caps and sing the Kenyan national anthem in mooish (the cow native tongue).

Also considered would be reproductability. Obviously, cows have, as of yet, developed few ways to cross barbed wire fences and gates. This would need to be overcome to allow bulls and cows to meet, to recreate and create new generations of baby cows (which I will name calves). This would also give them a way to get rid of their excess milk.

Now wild cows, they would have the upper hand, and would most likely rise to powerful positions (Councillor of Cowtropolis, President of the UNC - United Nations of Cows and MM chief - Milk management), as their experience of wildness would aid them, not forgetting the domesticated breeds to be submissive and meek.

However, what they must be concerned that these "wild" cows don't fall to the "wild" side of life. No doubt it will only take 4 days from them to discover how to ferment milk, and then, alcohol abuse will rule the lives of the wayword cow. No doubt turning tails into potent hallucinogenic drugs will evade them for only a few months, and the abilility to create thermonuclear bombs from cow droppings only a few years. This will, inevitably lead to Cow World War I (CWWI), which will prove fatal in the case of the more extreme, eugenic obsessed cows, as democracy and free thinking takes hold in the aftermath.

Cow art is another consideration. Choirs will be very limited, as all cows seem to have the same vocal range as a 2-stroke motorbike. Art will be hugely clamped down on, due to the cows lack of opposable digits. Strangely patterned hoofmark prints will be prized, and sold for thousands of gallons of milk each.

And finally, the ultimate question, will cows ever reach space? Well the obvious answer is yes. Production cows would be used to create excess amounts of shit, which will give off methane. This will be used to power the latest generation of methane fuelled rocketships, which will finally remove the limitations of gravity held cows. And who knows; maybe one day they'll build a colony on the moon.

I say the best of luck to the new dominant species of earth. And whenever the US navy seals are automatically defrosted at the end of the cryogenic storage period, they'll be domesticated, bred, and used for production of rare cow delicacies.

You know, I hardly got any sleep last night, so today, I felt quite shit. I had to take a nap. I mean come on, a nap??? What a bloody great waste of time! So I thought of something, something that would once again solve all the world's problem!

Eliminate sleep! Sleep is a terrible thing. It wastes, on average, about 8 hours a day for the average person. EIGHT HOURS! Do you know how many years that takes up in an average lifetime? Well I don't either, but it'll boggle the mind! Scientists say: "You need sleep to function", "it's a necessary part of life". Bollocks I say! Down with sleep and its unproductiveness!

So how do I propose the elimination of sleep? Well it's quite simple really. Scientists, at my "Utterly Supreme Ideas Inc." are already in the process of creating what I like to call "sleep deterrants". These "deterrant" are actually genetically engineered creatures. They look like a mini ostrich, but can fly at speeds of up to 3000km/hr. Their task, if the choose to accept it, which they will because I'll force them to with threats of reduction of their favourite "pointless" flavour food, is to stop you from sleeping. They will fly all over the world. If they catch anyone sleeping, they peck them repeatedly on the head until the person wakes up! Talk about efficiency! And don't think you'll be able to lock yourself in to get a rest. No no! These birds have beaks made of diamond, and can drill through anything! Yes! Anything at all!. And with their patented X-Ray-Infared-Gamma ray-lifesign detecting neural pathways in their brain, they can find anyone, anywhere!

Now think of the benifits to society! No more sleep means many more productive hours, manufacturing such things as paint, potatoes, sheep, and of course reality TV shows. Every nation in the world will benifit. Not only that, asylums and mental institutions will boom to cater for all the stresses of no-sleep life. This is good, because I have huge amounts of shares in these companies, and would stand to make a bob or two, but that's not for now.

Granted, some people may go mad, but with my pecker birds on hand, they'll be snapped to their senses in no-time. I also should mention that these birds have mind-altering devices, which can strip the madness clean out of you and turn it into a power source! So double the benifit.

So, how much will this grand scheme cost? Well nothing, as I'm happily paying for it all. Well, that's if you discount the loss of sanity, cohesive society and all that jazz, but who says that's important?

Anyway, I'm off to bed now. Being tired, I need a good night's sleep to come up with some more ideas tomorrow!

No society is perfect. Regardless of what we all think, flaws proliferate soceity, much like mould has proliferated into one of my flatmate's wall. Like a green slime, flaws coat society, and bring with it corruption, disease and reality TV shows. So, why not invent the "perfect" nation? I say perfect in inverted commas as no society can be truly perfect, but that can't stop me making a damn good stab at it eh?

I propose Bananaland. Located on a remote island somewhere in the Atlantic, placed cunningly outside the Bermuda Triangle so it doesn't go missing, this will be the home of a new nation of near utopia, where wants and needs no longer feature in the day to day life of the citizens.

I of course, would be supreme emperor of this nation, as I have the vision necessary to make this utopia. It won't be a dictatorship, like many African rulers favour, more of a "father-knows-best" state, where each of my decisions reflects the positive society I would preside over.

Now you may wonder why it's called "Bananaland". This name is a cunning ploy to disguise the fact that the nation's main food will be the banana. However, you will not have to pay for these fresh, tasty bananas, oh no. Instead, the state allocates you a set number of bananas per day, to do whatever you wish with. This cunning system also is incorporated into our crime and punishment system. Instead of being put in jail, your banana rations are reduced accordingly, depending on the severity of the crime you commited. Hungry people are desperate people, and a healthy dose of desperation can help any criminal get over their criminal tendencies.

Of course, for this to work, Bananaland will ban all other foodstuffs. Nutrition will not be a problem, as everyone gets our patented "mega-tablet", which supplies all the vitamins and minerals you need to live and prosper (minus the contents of the bananas of course, to tie-in with our crime and punishment system). All will be well, and no-one will starve. Honest.

Secondly, there will be no such thing as money. Pidgeons will manufacture everything, which will be freely available to any citizien of Bananaland. Of course, pidgeons tend to shit a lot, which is why one of the first projects will be a mechanicised production scheme, using purely robots. Of course, robots manufacturing robots is never a good idea (eg, I, Robot), which is why Will Smith will be posted on the island to deal with any renegade robots that try to destroy our way of life. People order what they want, and they are fabricated using materials that have been but into dumps elsewhere in the world. Using a special teleportation device installed on top of our tallest peak, Mount Megahuge, it will be able to teleport anything on Earth anywhere, and as there is so much waste in the world, we can use it to not only recycle and reduce pollution, but make stuff for free!

Defence will never be an issue. Using our patented "sea plughole" technology, approaching enemy ships will be beached when the world's oceans are sucked away through a plughole. We will of course, control the tap (faucet if you're American and don't understand what a tap is), and can refill the sea whenever the naval threat is open. Wormy anti-bomb-bombs will be used to control any missile threat, and our "Sky eraser" will rid the skies of enemy bombers by teleporting them to the moon. Spies will be caught by "Mind Reader Inc.", a state company which implants monitoring chips in the minds of all people in the country by instantly fabricating the chip inside the person's skull upon entering our national territory. Those who are try to act against our state will be detected, and teleported to the top of K2 (It's harder to climb than Mount Everest). So security will not be an issue.

Weather will never bother us. I will control the weather using my genetically modified owl bridgade, who, using a complex series of lasers, explosions and psychic powers, will change the weather at will. The great thing about this system is that it's accurate to 1m squared, so you can create ultra small patches of weather to meet everyone's needs.

We will also create a space program, aiming to put a man on Pluto by next Saturday, and a colony on ARTX-1173B (a yet undiscovered, but habitable planet) by the following Thursday. In the end, we will control the world with our benevolent father-knows-best tactics.

Currently, there are 9,603 spaces left on the Bananaland citizen reserve list. If you want to join, send a cheque of £34.99 (£30.99 administration and £4 P&P) to me as soon as possible. Thank you.

Night-time. I've been thinking about night-time. And I've been thinking it's a whole load of tosh. You have to waste electricity lighting your home, it gets colder, so people get frostbite, the vast majority of burglaries, rapes, assaults and drunken brawls occur at nighttime. So in all reality, night is a stupid invention, and should instantly, and irrevocably be gotten rid of for all time.

Of course, there is one slight flaw in that idea. Being a round, spherical planet, it makes it difficult to light both sides of the sky at once, since light has a bit of bother travelling through 26,000km of rock, molten iron, concrete structures and people like you and I. So, how do I plan on solving this one eh? Well, with modern technology and a bit of ingenuity on my part, I think the problems will be overcome and eventually solved!

There are two possible ways to do this, one is to use the existing light source, ie, the sun. Alternatively, we could install another light source at the other side of the planet. I have ideas for both, so don't you worry.

In relation to using our existing light source, the answer is simple enough. I propose that a country manufactures the largest industrial laser cutting device known to man and alien alike. It will have to be installed on something like the moon, due to the sheer size of it. It will be operated by genetically modified super duper monkeys (like those from the game Ape Escape), and will be used to make the earth flat! Of course, the earth is similar in ways to an orange. They're both bright orange, and cannot be made into flat objects (the orange peel that is). So, you slice it like an orange, and make it flat as you can. A huge mechanical arm system is installed behind the surface to hold to core and mantle of the earth in position, and make occasional "wobbles", as the vary which part of the flat earth is getting the most light at any one point. Of course, it would be open to exploitation, as it could be monopolised by one country, similar to the way the internet is being monopolised now *cough cough*. But that's not my problem, as now the earth has got rid of night, and along with it, all the undesirable things about it.

Now, if you want to keep the earth round, as some sentimentalists surely will, then we will need another light source. Well, you could actually still use the same light source, however, you would need a huge sheet of mirrors to reflect light to the earth, and that would be irresponsible. If a person managed to break that mirror, there would be enough bad luck to curse mankind into oblivion within 10 minutes. So, alternatively, what I suggest is Phillips, in conjuction with the energy producing aliens of Arkunis IV (do a search for Arkunis IV, it's an Ascidian planet), manufacture the largest energy saving lightbulb known to man and alien alike. The socket for this monster bulb will be placed on an asteroid which will be tugged to a stationary position on the far side of earth. Once this light is turned on, the dark side of the earth will be forever bathed in energy efficient lighting. Obviously, as size increases, bulb life increases, and the predicted lifespan of this energy saving bulb is several trillion hours. Ascidians, being the noble race they are, would ask for no more than a weekly supply of 1,000 Pot Noodles (They have a Pot Noodle ceremony every Thursday).

With the end of nighttime, crime will go into arrest, road accidents numbers will crash, and electricity bills wil be zapped to near oblivion. The environment will improve (ignoring the loss of nocturnal creatures, ecosystems, habitats and entire biomes; they only pretend to be important), and we will be able to operate a more productive 24-hour society (Hell, who says we cant reinvent time!)

And how much will all this cost? As I said, make cheques payable to The Pot Noodle Company to help them pay of our Ascidian benefactors. Thank you.

You're driving along, minding your own business. I'm sure you've done it at some point (you don't have an excuse unless you're under 20 - anyone over 20 who's never driven needs to be deported to - erm - Iceland). You come to a junction, you have right of way, and then FWOOSH - some idiot in a souped up Nova (so hilariously stupid, the souped up Nova) nearly tears the engine from the framework of your car.

After being irritated/annoyed/enraged by this travesty, you drive on. Then suddenly a person with a pram steps out infront of you, and you screech to a halt. The mother then shouts at you as she believes it's her God given right to cross the road whenever and wherever she likes.

This has made me think up of an idea on how to stop such people from doing such ridiculously stupid things. I would never do anything so ridiculously stupid, so why should you or I have to put up with it? So, how do I plan on removing these scum from the roads of Britain/Europe/The World (except North Korea, although you may employ Italian chefs to cook you pizza, you cannot afford enough cars or prams to make this possible)?

It's simple really. In the case of really stupid pedestrians, I suggest that we install rocket engines in the soles of every single piece of footwear sold on Earth (excluding North Korea), along with satellite monitoring chips to both pedestrians and cars. When the monitoring satillite detects a pedestrian about to do something really stupid, it causes the rocket boots to fire, launching that person several thousand feet into the air. This safely removes them from harm's way, and prevents the driver having to break their no claims bonus to get their bumper/bonnet/windshield replaced. Not only would would this help save lives, but it would also benifit space travel research (imaging the money needed to research working, non exploding rocket boots that look fashionable?), but it will also aid the fabirc and parachute manufacturing businesses. Jobs in China would increase by several thousand to deal with manufacturing textiles to make "safe", cheap parachutes. It would also mean, as you are less likely to get run over, your life insurance premiums will go down by several pence. What great value!

Cars will have to go through a different procedures. Specialised adjudicators judge the personality of the drivers, and the design of the cars to determine what gets fitted to them. In the case of important people in expensive cars (eg, doctors in BMWs, politicians in Range Rovers, and old Mrs Tweedy from Hilburn Avenue in her Austin Metro) will be fitted with instant teleportation devices to instantly teleport them out of harms way. In the case of people of medium importance (Members of European Parliment* in their limos, Mr Jones, emergency locksmith for students in Stockton-on-Tees in his Ford Transit and Mr Kipling, who makes exceedingly good cakes, in his Peugeot cake van) will have spring launchers, to launch them over any obstacles (This obviously runs the risk of hitting a bridge or low flying birds, but as the majority of the population lives in this bracket, it would be hideously expensive for any more to be fitted without private contribution). Finally, for unimportant scumballs, such as Brooklyn Jay Grey in his souped up Vauxhall Nova, Chardonnay Wallace in her souped up Vauxhall Nova and Kim Jong Il in his North Korean Motors Super Duper Tank, a different system is installed. Sharing some similarities with the pedestrain system, a rocket booster system is installed in the bottom of the vehicle. Upon near collision, or stupidly idiotic driving, the rocket booster propells them into geostationary orbit around the moon. If they survive this week long journey (ie, if they have some cider in the glove compartment to drink), a MOAB** is launched from the US Super Secret Moon Base Alpha-3***, to safely detonate them away from people. This also provides minerals for mining when large scale colonization of the moon takes place.

This is a super way to protect the lives of people using our roads or paths. But the question is, how much will this cost? Let me tell you that a super secret colony of Malawian swamp grasses will manufacture the money for this epic project. I think that means we win! Of course, the option to upgrade your protection system for people of middling importance is open, for a small fee, payable to Soo. Purr. Industries Conglomerate. Thank you

* I don't actually like MEPs, as I don't like Brussels. The only reason I don't declassify them is because they stop France from invading Belgium, and I like Belgium.
** Massive Ordance Air Bomb for those of you who are uneducated in the ways of modern warfare. It creates the largest, most powerful non-nuclear explosion.
*** If you don't believe me, look at a full moon. See those dark spots arranged in the shape of an oddly suprised face? Those are American Super Secret Moon Bases. They were built in that way as a commemeration to George Bush. The design is called "And then he then realised Tony Blair wasn't the plumber".

A filthy lie assignment for The Alliance

Now, some of you, with nothing better to do in your life, spend all weekend at a computer screen. Which is of course, rather unfortuanate. Now, there are a few exceptions to this. Authors, lawyers and bloggers. These people are allowed to sit at their computers all weekend and not be classified as saddos.

Now take Evil Glenn, being the evil, molesting, sweatshop owning, author/laywer/blogger that he is, well he should be allowed to sit infront of his computer. However, lies information coming from Alliance HQ suggests that, although he has been sitting infront of his computer all weekend, he has been doing none of the acceptable computer marathon tasks.

So the question arises? What has he been doing?

It's quite simple really. He is inventing a device that will be implanted in the minds of all things, living and dead, gasesous and solid and even the things cursed with the double combination of being old and ugly. This device is a chip, (a microprocessor, not a fried potato) that will be installed in one of any orfices present in the human body (I'm sure you can guess Evil Glenn's favourite orfice. Yep you got it, the nostril it is. Have you ever wondered why his finger his constantly covered in a flaky yellow substance?), which, in turn, will make them into demonic soldiers to add to his army of beaurocrats, whose role is to shit on the little guy make his life easier. They will praise his works as "masterpieces" and "enlightenment of the human species" rather than the fungal algae you get in toilets inadequately accepted tosh he fires out now.

Now how does this work? Being an inventor (of sorts), I have some cunning ideas.

These chips are not actually chips. They are infact highly intelligent pieces of toilet algal fungae. These, upon entering an orfice of the body, are promptly abosrbed into the bloodstream. They go to the brain, to analyse it, before putting it on the "Toilet algal funage" real estate market. When interest is shown (as it invariably is), they build a huge building in your brain (huge by their standards), usually constructed out toilet paper, toothpaste and ear-bud sticks. The process damages the brain beyond all repair, and thus makes the demonic zombies think that Evil Glenn's work is actually good.

So if you find yourself starting to like the works of the Evil Glenn, instantly contact me, so I can invent a brain replacement device to promptly replace your brain to return you to normal.

WARNING: What follows is not suitable for persons who are both old and ugly, as this post is making fun of your old and uglyness.

I was in Iceland yesterday (the supermarket, not the country dictatored by Evil Glenn), and I was waiting in a queue. In my local Iceland, due to the rather stupendously stupid layout of the tills, they have to put up the sign "Queue starts here". I, with my basket of wares, was at this sign, waiting for the checkout boy to finish pulling someone's receipt out of the till, ready with the exact amount of money to pay for my items (Which were 3 cartons of juice on a 3 for £2 offer).

What happened next would gave had my hand slowly inching toward handy kitchen knives, if, indeed, there were kitchen knives to reach for. A very ugly old man and very ugly old woman just ambled infront of me with their trolley of kippers or sardines or whatever old ugly people eat.

I, being all for righteousness, correctly thought that old ugly people should not be able to queue jump. Old people, maybe, but I draw the lines when it comes to old AND ugly (Do you ever notice that is the old, ugly people who are at the front of pension queues? It's because they queue-jump). I tapped the guy on the shoulder, and indicated that the line started behind the two other people behind me.

Now, if I was the only person in the queue, and they apologised, I would have let them off. However, instead of doing the polite thing, he just grunted and ignored me. I suppose it was a bit stupid of me to suppose that these pus filled, decrepitly jointed, pension scroungers would be, in any way, polite or considerate (Don't get me wrong, old people are upstanding denizens of society. Ugly people can be alright, as long as they use deoderant or suitable smelly stuff. I'm referring to old AND ugly people).

This promptly made me come up with the idea of a queue jumping prevention system. Well, I lie, I've had this idea for a while, but now I can use it in proper context.

Each till/booth/room/"whatever needs a queue" has a clearly marked lane with QUEUE written repeatedly in it. Along the edge of these lanes are a combination of high tech sensors and high power, industrial strength cutting lasers. At the start of this queue is a high tech tagging system.

Before I carry on, I will take a brief break to wash my hands. I just sneezed, and with no further options, I sneezed into my hand. The rest you can imagine. Please excuse me.

Now that I've returned with freshly washed hands, I may continue. Anyway, anyone who enters the queue at the designated start point is tagged with a teeny weeny microchip, which allows them to path unscathed into the queue. It also allows them to temporarly leave the queue and return, if, for example, mommy forgot to get nappies for baby Bobby. The sensors can also detect if someone is having to queue jump in an emergency, and allows them in. However, if someone, for example, a couple of exceedingly old and ugly people, tries to enter to queue by means of pushing in, they are instantly vapourised by the industrial strength lasers. Alternatively, if the person is detected as a chav, they are stunned by a millisecond blast of the laser, to be arrested for - erm - existing.

This device would bring order to the otherwise disordered world of queueing, and teach people who are both old and ugly that their life is no longer worth living since they can't push into queues anymore.

The question is: "How much for this wonderful, world-order restoring device?" I can tell you now! It only costs £187.99 a lane, with packets of 1000 microchips costing £9.99; it's a low price to pay for peace of mind that when you're number 3 in the queue, you will get served third. Please make all cheques payable to V. A. Porise Industries Ltd. Thank you.

... I have registered a domain name for my fledgeling blog! Yes!

Within the next 24-48 hours, find us at http://www.ridiculously-stupid-ideas.co.uk/ - of course, the old URL will stil work. Huzzah!

#EDIT @ 12:33PM# Well that was quick, looks like the new URL is up and running! Ridiculously Stupid Ideas can now ALSO be found at http://www.ridiculously-stupid-ideas.co.uk/

One day, you're walking to work. You know, just a usual, every-day stroll along the tree line avenues, when suddenly, you're instantly vapourised by a nuclear explosion, detonated by either a terrorist, or fired from a remote location off the coast of Iran, or maybe some dissidents in Russia. In any case, you have died.

Now lets rewind that. You don't want to die, I'm sure. So why wasn't there an invention around to prevent you from being blown up by the nasty bomb? That is a good question.

My suggestion is so: An anti-bomb-bomb! A bomb that is used to blow up these bombs. Now I hear you all cry: "There already is one!". Well maybe, but nothing to the scale or ingenuity of my idea.

Worms, maggots, decomposers etc. You find them everywhere. Soil, rubbish, dead skin, rotting flesh. You name it, you find it. I propose that the MoD fits tiny bombs into the genetic structure of those grubs native to the UK. When a bomb's detonation sequence is started (ie, when someone sets the alarm clock to 8:32AM, and starts the clock ticking), these creatures, at the speed of light (they have speed of light boosters installed), build a huge mount of earth around the bomb, before detonating themselves on the bomb.

This has some major benifits. Worms, being more in tune to nature and madmen than us humans are, are more sensitive to these bombs than we are. Also, being wormey, they are no great loss. Not only this, but they are numerous. Plus, as they can detect bombs before the actually detonate, and deal with it at 3x10e8 m/s. They are also handy at decomposing the remains of the bomb safely (all bombs are made of organically decomposable materials, in conjunction with Greenpeace's "We will kill you children if you don't do green things" policy), and of course, the remains of their dead cousins when they blew themselves up to destroy the bomb.

So let's fast forward. One day, you're walking to work. You know, just a usual, every-day stroll along the tree line avenues, when suddenly, you're instantly vapourised by numerous small explosions, detonated by small worms and grubs that have entered your stomach at the speed of light. You've died. You see, what you've failed to realise is the terroist put the nuclear bomb in your morning Corn Flakes. How do you detect that? That's for another time.

There's nothing more irritating than finding yourself swamped by people, whether it be shopping, clubbing, or just generally on walk-abouts with your mates (or by yourself if you're a Nobby-No-Friends). So, a good while ago, I came up with the idea of a "crowd-control" device.

In principle, it's a rather simple philosophy. For example, if you see a truck barreling towards you at 70mph, you can either move out of the way, or paint the front of the truck in the colour "hint of body". I took this principle into a portable form.

The idea is so: A handheld, plough shaped device, with circular saws in small holes in the middle of each face of the plough. The saws are made in such a way that they make a horrific sound (like a chainsaw/hedgetrimmer hybrid). This firstly alerts people to your presence. They will glance at you heading in their direction, and, if intelligent, move out of the way of your oncoming bodice.

There will be two settings, "Safety" and "Chav". Safety mode is for the general populace. You don't actually want to hurt anyone with this device, as I'm sure even "Sillit BANG" would have a hard time removing the stains. Small sensors detect when someone gets too close, and put on patented "insta-brakes" which instantly stop the saws from rotating, thus saving the fortunate soul from contact with a highly abrasive cleaning agent later on (which, incidentally, would scratch the fine chrome finish on the device). Not only that, but it prevents you from having to spend long periods of time in jail, which would be a waste of time, considering your aim in using the device was to save a bit of time.

Alternatively, there is "Chav" setting. This requires special permission to use, a biometric scanner add-on (available separately) to prove that it's you using it, and a 48 digit individual PIN code, available from your local police station. When "Chav" mode is on, the safety sensors individually scan each person. If the person is judged to be a chav, the circular saws remain on (to those of you who don't know what a chav is, they are also named scallies, spides, rednecks etc. Basically the scum on the street that can't speak properly, wear fake Burberry baseball hats, whiter than white 3 striped/nike/kappa tracksuits, and the latest pair of Reebok trainers, and regularly rob old ladies of their pensions), slicing them into bitesize pieces for the local magpie population. Of course, small amounts of rat poison (specially designed, of course, so it only affects rats) are injected into each piece of flesh, as to cut down the rat population. So it has a double whammy effect. Not only does it remove chav scum from our streets of Britain, it also removes those festering plague animals, the rats.

As for price, the initial unit costs only £129.99, with biometric add-ons costing approximately £49.99 (at time of going to press). Also thrown in are 100 vouchers for 50% off Sillit BANG.

So, if crowds or chavs bother you, then this is the device for you! Make all cheques payable to "Mass A. Care Ltd." Thank you.

Hello there populace of the planet Earth.

This is my new blog, in which I shall alert you all to my ridiculously stupid ideas! If any of you know me, you will already know that I come up with these on a regular basis, so I thought, why mot let the world know of my ideas!

This was all inspired by Charlie Brooker, who some of you may know as a regular contributor to The Guardian's G2 supplement's "Back page", more specifically, his article on "Supposing... we had instant suicide buttons on our heads". So I thought, why not be as famous as him?

So delve into the blog of ridiculously stupid ideas!