Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Supposing Christmas was a Satanistic ritual
It's nearing Christmas time dear readers of Earth. Christmas, the time of celebration of Christ, the time to celebrate a little baby being born onto this earth to spread peace to all mankind, provide hope, and more importantly, fuel the reasoning behind the crusades. An amazing story of incredible importance and significance.
Or so you are told. I've always wondered what wold happen if someone were to take the story of little baby Jesus being born, and turned it upside down. It would be terrible! Christmas would become Satanistic, which would be disasterous for Fleet Street. I mean Woolworths is having a bad enogh time as it is without having to worry about Christmas being a time to celebrate evil.
But imagine how the story would go. In 4 C.B., a baby called Tsirhc Susej was born to Yram in the little town of Mehelhteb. This baby was evil. The epitomy of evil! Not only did he shit in his nappies twice as much as a normal baby but he projectile vomited all over the Roman statisticians when they tried to take census data. Repeatedly. Anyway, there was a good King called Doreh. He foresaw this evil. When people said "zOMG! Teh kill3r of all teh werld has arreved!" he jumped to his feet and told his soldiers to slay only this evil babby (I said babby, not baby, it's cuter, awwww) for he is Satan defined! The soldiers, being soldiers of good, went forth to slay this baby. When they found baby Tsirhc Susej, they slayed him where he lay. However, since he was evil, EVIL I say, he rose from the dead and burnt the entire population of the world to ashes, bar the people of current day Somalia and Vanatu. Ever since, people used the 25th December as a celebration of this evil event.
The End.
Now, imagine this actually happened, and imagine Christmas was, infact, a Satanistic festival. Firstly, and foremostly, it would be confusing. Satanists have this really irritating habit of reversing words, which, frankly, is stupid (For those of you who are either too dense or just plain retarded, Tsirhc Susej is Jesus Christ backwards). It pisses me off to no end it does. How stupid do you have to be to have to reverse your words just so you can be different. Doing so reverses the classification of anyone who does so fromintelligent to stupid twatface. Sheesh. Also, Christmas would be a time of going round with T-Shirts that say "C.U. in hell!" (aka Christian Union), "It's cold at Christmas, a nice stint in the depths of hell can warm your feet anyday" and "zOMG Xmaz i5 teh sux0rzzz!". Your local travel agents would be offering holidays to such destinations as "The Hood, Brooklyn", The Red Light District in Amsterdam and the "All you can slay"-fest in Midwest America, which, frankly, are of no interest to anyone at the current time. Ahem.
And then what about presents? I for one am a commercialised bastard, I like my presents at Chrimbo. What would I get instead? Ash? Coal? A very stained pair of ex-Russian underwear? God knows. Or would he during this time of incredible evil?
All in all, it would be a sucky event. As a result, I think it is of clear importance that we make sure it never happens. If anyone can be bothered, we'll march towards Parliament shouting "Christmas is for the masses, not just for the Satanists!" and "Satanists sllab yeknom kcus!" All who agree, send me lots of money!
Or so you are told. I've always wondered what wold happen if someone were to take the story of little baby Jesus being born, and turned it upside down. It would be terrible! Christmas would become Satanistic, which would be disasterous for Fleet Street. I mean Woolworths is having a bad enogh time as it is without having to worry about Christmas being a time to celebrate evil.
But imagine how the story would go. In 4 C.B., a baby called Tsirhc Susej was born to Yram in the little town of Mehelhteb. This baby was evil. The epitomy of evil! Not only did he shit in his nappies twice as much as a normal baby but he projectile vomited all over the Roman statisticians when they tried to take census data. Repeatedly. Anyway, there was a good King called Doreh. He foresaw this evil. When people said "zOMG! Teh kill3r of all teh werld has arreved!" he jumped to his feet and told his soldiers to slay only this evil babby (I said babby, not baby, it's cuter, awwww) for he is Satan defined! The soldiers, being soldiers of good, went forth to slay this baby. When they found baby Tsirhc Susej, they slayed him where he lay. However, since he was evil, EVIL I say, he rose from the dead and burnt the entire population of the world to ashes, bar the people of current day Somalia and Vanatu. Ever since, people used the 25th December as a celebration of this evil event.
The End.
Now, imagine this actually happened, and imagine Christmas was, infact, a Satanistic festival. Firstly, and foremostly, it would be confusing. Satanists have this really irritating habit of reversing words, which, frankly, is stupid (For those of you who are either too dense or just plain retarded, Tsirhc Susej is Jesus Christ backwards). It pisses me off to no end it does. How stupid do you have to be to have to reverse your words just so you can be different. Doing so reverses the classification of anyone who does so fromintelligent to stupid twatface. Sheesh. Also, Christmas would be a time of going round with T-Shirts that say "C.U. in hell!" (aka Christian Union), "It's cold at Christmas, a nice stint in the depths of hell can warm your feet anyday" and "zOMG Xmaz i5 teh sux0rzzz!". Your local travel agents would be offering holidays to such destinations as "The Hood, Brooklyn", The Red Light District in Amsterdam and the "All you can slay"-fest in Midwest America, which, frankly, are of no interest to anyone at the current time. Ahem.
And then what about presents? I for one am a commercialised bastard, I like my presents at Chrimbo. What would I get instead? Ash? Coal? A very stained pair of ex-Russian underwear? God knows. Or would he during this time of incredible evil?
All in all, it would be a sucky event. As a result, I think it is of clear importance that we make sure it never happens. If anyone can be bothered, we'll march towards Parliament shouting "Christmas is for the masses, not just for the Satanists!" and "Satanists sllab yeknom kcus!" All who agree, send me lots of money!
Andrew, 10:03 AM
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