Andrew's Ridiculously Stupid Ideas
From mildy ridiculous to disgustingly ridiculous

I'll tell you something. Hands are incredible devices. Yes they are! You can use hands for a wide variety of things, such as lifting objects, holding things, pushing or pulling things, and even more risque things that don't bear mentioning on a site read by my 8 year old cousin. They're so incredibly useful, that people like Queen Elizabeth II have a pair, as does Johnny Depp and Mrs. Tweedy from Chicken Run. If celebrities and important personalities like these have hands, hands must be incredibly hip and in at the minute. The last time I saw a person with no hands, people had surrounded him in a circle, pointed at him and laughed at him. I would have joined in (to be in with the crowd and all that jazz), but I was late for an urgent appointment.

So I came to the conclusion that hands are so incredibly important, we should have more of them. Yes. If you had 10 hands, it would be easy to scale a wall, or climb along a ceiling. A marvellous idea if even I say so myself.

Now, hands can be made from a variety of things, but the most useful ones are probably made of a substance called flesh. Flesh is a meaty substance that can be used for not only making hands, but for making legs, or grilling and serving with potoatoes. It would need to be supported by a substance I like to call bone. You could fashion a hand out of these two things, but that would be annoyingly time consuming.

A much easier way would be to harvest hands. You could take them from people who don't deserve to be chic and cool, such as chavs/spides. No-one really likes these people, so we could simply go, harvest their hands to provide to the more upper echeleons of society. You could harvest them from old and ugly people, yet their hands are brittle and covered in folds of old skin, which is both unattractive and unhygenic.

Using a combination of superglue and a welding gun, hands could be fused to any part of the body. I personally would like a hand on my lower spine, so i can support myself while leaning on lamp-posts. One on each ankle would be useful to as it would help me clamber over rocks and suchlike.

Some less... decent... yes that's a good word, less decent members of society could have a hand fused to their navel. What they would use that for is possible unmentionable on a self-respecting blog. Which is why I will mention it. They could use it for sickening acts. Very sickening ones. I hesitate to say, but it could be used to FIRE A HUGE WHOPPING LASER AT THE MOON BLOWING IT INTO A MILLION PIECES!!! Sweet lord I said it. Dear me. I hope you can apologise.

In any case, this idea, which is great in principle, should be force adopted by all governments of the world. If you agree with me, then please send me lots of money, as I have little and am in need of some surgery. Desperately in need. Please feed me as well. And buy me a car. How about a small island off the coast of Argentina? That would be great. Thanks.