Monday, November 21, 2005
Imagine cows were the only species on the planet
Today, I shall put forward a proposal. One day, everyone is happily living along when the most superest, incrediblest disease in the history of the world EVER wiped out every living creature on the earth, with the exception of cows. Let's examine this.
First of all, we'll deal with domesticated dairy cows. What would happen to them? One could guess that their udders would explode due to the pressure of milk exerted on their mammary glands. Or would it? I think, that unsupressed with their human owners' influences, they would be able to find novel ways to demilk themselves. Milk orgies would be organised by the cows (a kind of sick, perverted sexual act which involves rubbing their udders over other cows' faces) in order to relieve their tensions. Some of the more scholarly cows would also invent milking machines. Scholary cows, at the minute, are very rare, but easily noticed. They all wear red fez caps and sing the Kenyan national anthem in mooish (the cow native tongue).
Also considered would be reproductability. Obviously, cows have, as of yet, developed few ways to cross barbed wire fences and gates. This would need to be overcome to allow bulls and cows to meet, to recreate and create new generations of baby cows (which I will name calves). This would also give them a way to get rid of their excess milk.
Now wild cows, they would have the upper hand, and would most likely rise to powerful positions (Councillor of Cowtropolis, President of the UNC - United Nations of Cows and MM chief - Milk management), as their experience of wildness would aid them, not forgetting the domesticated breeds to be submissive and meek.
However, what they must be concerned that these "wild" cows don't fall to the "wild" side of life. No doubt it will only take 4 days from them to discover how to ferment milk, and then, alcohol abuse will rule the lives of the wayword cow. No doubt turning tails into potent hallucinogenic drugs will evade them for only a few months, and the abilility to create thermonuclear bombs from cow droppings only a few years. This will, inevitably lead to Cow World War I (CWWI), which will prove fatal in the case of the more extreme, eugenic obsessed cows, as democracy and free thinking takes hold in the aftermath.
Cow art is another consideration. Choirs will be very limited, as all cows seem to have the same vocal range as a 2-stroke motorbike. Art will be hugely clamped down on, due to the cows lack of opposable digits. Strangely patterned hoofmark prints will be prized, and sold for thousands of gallons of milk each.
And finally, the ultimate question, will cows ever reach space? Well the obvious answer is yes. Production cows would be used to create excess amounts of shit, which will give off methane. This will be used to power the latest generation of methane fuelled rocketships, which will finally remove the limitations of gravity held cows. And who knows; maybe one day they'll build a colony on the moon.
I say the best of luck to the new dominant species of earth. And whenever the US navy seals are automatically defrosted at the end of the cryogenic storage period, they'll be domesticated, bred, and used for production of rare cow delicacies.
First of all, we'll deal with domesticated dairy cows. What would happen to them? One could guess that their udders would explode due to the pressure of milk exerted on their mammary glands. Or would it? I think, that unsupressed with their human owners' influences, they would be able to find novel ways to demilk themselves. Milk orgies would be organised by the cows (a kind of sick, perverted sexual act which involves rubbing their udders over other cows' faces) in order to relieve their tensions. Some of the more scholarly cows would also invent milking machines. Scholary cows, at the minute, are very rare, but easily noticed. They all wear red fez caps and sing the Kenyan national anthem in mooish (the cow native tongue).
Also considered would be reproductability. Obviously, cows have, as of yet, developed few ways to cross barbed wire fences and gates. This would need to be overcome to allow bulls and cows to meet, to recreate and create new generations of baby cows (which I will name calves). This would also give them a way to get rid of their excess milk.
Now wild cows, they would have the upper hand, and would most likely rise to powerful positions (Councillor of Cowtropolis, President of the UNC - United Nations of Cows and MM chief - Milk management), as their experience of wildness would aid them, not forgetting the domesticated breeds to be submissive and meek.
However, what they must be concerned that these "wild" cows don't fall to the "wild" side of life. No doubt it will only take 4 days from them to discover how to ferment milk, and then, alcohol abuse will rule the lives of the wayword cow. No doubt turning tails into potent hallucinogenic drugs will evade them for only a few months, and the abilility to create thermonuclear bombs from cow droppings only a few years. This will, inevitably lead to Cow World War I (CWWI), which will prove fatal in the case of the more extreme, eugenic obsessed cows, as democracy and free thinking takes hold in the aftermath.
Cow art is another consideration. Choirs will be very limited, as all cows seem to have the same vocal range as a 2-stroke motorbike. Art will be hugely clamped down on, due to the cows lack of opposable digits. Strangely patterned hoofmark prints will be prized, and sold for thousands of gallons of milk each.
And finally, the ultimate question, will cows ever reach space? Well the obvious answer is yes. Production cows would be used to create excess amounts of shit, which will give off methane. This will be used to power the latest generation of methane fuelled rocketships, which will finally remove the limitations of gravity held cows. And who knows; maybe one day they'll build a colony on the moon.
I say the best of luck to the new dominant species of earth. And whenever the US navy seals are automatically defrosted at the end of the cryogenic storage period, they'll be domesticated, bred, and used for production of rare cow delicacies.
Andrew, 8:21 PM
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