Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Let there be light!
Night-time. I've been thinking about night-time. And I've been thinking it's a whole load of tosh. You have to waste electricity lighting your home, it gets colder, so people get frostbite, the vast majority of burglaries, rapes, assaults and drunken brawls occur at nighttime. So in all reality, night is a stupid invention, and should instantly, and irrevocably be gotten rid of for all time.
Of course, there is one slight flaw in that idea. Being a round, spherical planet, it makes it difficult to light both sides of the sky at once, since light has a bit of bother travelling through 26,000km of rock, molten iron, concrete structures and people like you and I. So, how do I plan on solving this one eh? Well, with modern technology and a bit of ingenuity on my part, I think the problems will be overcome and eventually solved!
There are two possible ways to do this, one is to use the existing light source, ie, the sun. Alternatively, we could install another light source at the other side of the planet. I have ideas for both, so don't you worry.
In relation to using our existing light source, the answer is simple enough. I propose that a country manufactures the largest industrial laser cutting device known to man and alien alike. It will have to be installed on something like the moon, due to the sheer size of it. It will be operated by genetically modified super duper monkeys (like those from the game Ape Escape), and will be used to make the earth flat! Of course, the earth is similar in ways to an orange. They're both bright orange, and cannot be made into flat objects (the orange peel that is). So, you slice it like an orange, and make it flat as you can. A huge mechanical arm system is installed behind the surface to hold to core and mantle of the earth in position, and make occasional "wobbles", as the vary which part of the flat earth is getting the most light at any one point. Of course, it would be open to exploitation, as it could be monopolised by one country, similar to the way the internet is being monopolised now *cough cough*. But that's not my problem, as now the earth has got rid of night, and along with it, all the undesirable things about it.
Now, if you want to keep the earth round, as some sentimentalists surely will, then we will need another light source. Well, you could actually still use the same light source, however, you would need a huge sheet of mirrors to reflect light to the earth, and that would be irresponsible. If a person managed to break that mirror, there would be enough bad luck to curse mankind into oblivion within 10 minutes. So, alternatively, what I suggest is Phillips, in conjuction with the energy producing aliens of Arkunis IV (do a search for Arkunis IV, it's an Ascidian planet), manufacture the largest energy saving lightbulb known to man and alien alike. The socket for this monster bulb will be placed on an asteroid which will be tugged to a stationary position on the far side of earth. Once this light is turned on, the dark side of the earth will be forever bathed in energy efficient lighting. Obviously, as size increases, bulb life increases, and the predicted lifespan of this energy saving bulb is several trillion hours. Ascidians, being the noble race they are, would ask for no more than a weekly supply of 1,000 Pot Noodles (They have a Pot Noodle ceremony every Thursday).
With the end of nighttime, crime will go into arrest, road accidents numbers will crash, and electricity bills wil be zapped to near oblivion. The environment will improve (ignoring the loss of nocturnal creatures, ecosystems, habitats and entire biomes; they only pretend to be important), and we will be able to operate a more productive 24-hour society (Hell, who says we cant reinvent time!)
And how much will all this cost? As I said, make cheques payable to The Pot Noodle Company to help them pay of our Ascidian benefactors. Thank you.
Of course, there is one slight flaw in that idea. Being a round, spherical planet, it makes it difficult to light both sides of the sky at once, since light has a bit of bother travelling through 26,000km of rock, molten iron, concrete structures and people like you and I. So, how do I plan on solving this one eh? Well, with modern technology and a bit of ingenuity on my part, I think the problems will be overcome and eventually solved!
There are two possible ways to do this, one is to use the existing light source, ie, the sun. Alternatively, we could install another light source at the other side of the planet. I have ideas for both, so don't you worry.
In relation to using our existing light source, the answer is simple enough. I propose that a country manufactures the largest industrial laser cutting device known to man and alien alike. It will have to be installed on something like the moon, due to the sheer size of it. It will be operated by genetically modified super duper monkeys (like those from the game Ape Escape), and will be used to make the earth flat! Of course, the earth is similar in ways to an orange. They're both bright orange, and cannot be made into flat objects (the orange peel that is). So, you slice it like an orange, and make it flat as you can. A huge mechanical arm system is installed behind the surface to hold to core and mantle of the earth in position, and make occasional "wobbles", as the vary which part of the flat earth is getting the most light at any one point. Of course, it would be open to exploitation, as it could be monopolised by one country, similar to the way the internet is being monopolised now *cough cough*. But that's not my problem, as now the earth has got rid of night, and along with it, all the undesirable things about it.
Now, if you want to keep the earth round, as some sentimentalists surely will, then we will need another light source. Well, you could actually still use the same light source, however, you would need a huge sheet of mirrors to reflect light to the earth, and that would be irresponsible. If a person managed to break that mirror, there would be enough bad luck to curse mankind into oblivion within 10 minutes. So, alternatively, what I suggest is Phillips, in conjuction with the energy producing aliens of Arkunis IV (do a search for Arkunis IV, it's an Ascidian planet), manufacture the largest energy saving lightbulb known to man and alien alike. The socket for this monster bulb will be placed on an asteroid which will be tugged to a stationary position on the far side of earth. Once this light is turned on, the dark side of the earth will be forever bathed in energy efficient lighting. Obviously, as size increases, bulb life increases, and the predicted lifespan of this energy saving bulb is several trillion hours. Ascidians, being the noble race they are, would ask for no more than a weekly supply of 1,000 Pot Noodles (They have a Pot Noodle ceremony every Thursday).
With the end of nighttime, crime will go into arrest, road accidents numbers will crash, and electricity bills wil be zapped to near oblivion. The environment will improve (ignoring the loss of nocturnal creatures, ecosystems, habitats and entire biomes; they only pretend to be important), and we will be able to operate a more productive 24-hour society (Hell, who says we cant reinvent time!)
And how much will all this cost? As I said, make cheques payable to The Pot Noodle Company to help them pay of our Ascidian benefactors. Thank you.
Andrew, 9:29 PM
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