Sunday, November 13, 2005
Queue jumpers dealt with
WARNING: What follows is not suitable for persons who are both old and ugly, as this post is making fun of your old and uglyness.
I was in Iceland yesterday (the supermarket, not the country dictatored by Evil Glenn), and I was waiting in a queue. In my local Iceland, due to the rather stupendously stupid layout of the tills, they have to put up the sign "Queue starts here". I, with my basket of wares, was at this sign, waiting for the checkout boy to finish pulling someone's receipt out of the till, ready with the exact amount of money to pay for my items (Which were 3 cartons of juice on a 3 for £2 offer).
What happened next would gave had my hand slowly inching toward handy kitchen knives, if, indeed, there were kitchen knives to reach for. A very ugly old man and very ugly old woman just ambled infront of me with their trolley of kippers or sardines or whatever old ugly people eat.
I, being all for righteousness, correctly thought that old ugly people should not be able to queue jump. Old people, maybe, but I draw the lines when it comes to old AND ugly (Do you ever notice that is the old, ugly people who are at the front of pension queues? It's because they queue-jump). I tapped the guy on the shoulder, and indicated that the line started behind the two other people behind me.
Now, if I was the only person in the queue, and they apologised, I would have let them off. However, instead of doing the polite thing, he just grunted and ignored me. I suppose it was a bit stupid of me to suppose that these pus filled, decrepitly jointed, pension scroungers would be, in any way, polite or considerate (Don't get me wrong, old people are upstanding denizens of society. Ugly people can be alright, as long as they use deoderant or suitable smelly stuff. I'm referring to old AND ugly people).
This promptly made me come up with the idea of a queue jumping prevention system. Well, I lie, I've had this idea for a while, but now I can use it in proper context.
Each till/booth/room/"whatever needs a queue" has a clearly marked lane with QUEUE written repeatedly in it. Along the edge of these lanes are a combination of high tech sensors and high power, industrial strength cutting lasers. At the start of this queue is a high tech tagging system.
Before I carry on, I will take a brief break to wash my hands. I just sneezed, and with no further options, I sneezed into my hand. The rest you can imagine. Please excuse me.
Now that I've returned with freshly washed hands, I may continue. Anyway, anyone who enters the queue at the designated start point is tagged with a teeny weeny microchip, which allows them to path unscathed into the queue. It also allows them to temporarly leave the queue and return, if, for example, mommy forgot to get nappies for baby Bobby. The sensors can also detect if someone is having to queue jump in an emergency, and allows them in. However, if someone, for example, a couple of exceedingly old and ugly people, tries to enter to queue by means of pushing in, they are instantly vapourised by the industrial strength lasers. Alternatively, if the person is detected as a chav, they are stunned by a millisecond blast of the laser, to be arrested for - erm - existing.
This device would bring order to the otherwise disordered world of queueing, and teach people who are both old and ugly that their life is no longer worth living since they can't push into queues anymore.
The question is: "How much for this wonderful, world-order restoring device?" I can tell you now! It only costs £187.99 a lane, with packets of 1000 microchips costing £9.99; it's a low price to pay for peace of mind that when you're number 3 in the queue, you will get served third. Please make all cheques payable to V. A. Porise Industries Ltd. Thank you.
I was in Iceland yesterday (the supermarket, not the country dictatored by Evil Glenn), and I was waiting in a queue. In my local Iceland, due to the rather stupendously stupid layout of the tills, they have to put up the sign "Queue starts here". I, with my basket of wares, was at this sign, waiting for the checkout boy to finish pulling someone's receipt out of the till, ready with the exact amount of money to pay for my items (Which were 3 cartons of juice on a 3 for £2 offer).
What happened next would gave had my hand slowly inching toward handy kitchen knives, if, indeed, there were kitchen knives to reach for. A very ugly old man and very ugly old woman just ambled infront of me with their trolley of kippers or sardines or whatever old ugly people eat.
I, being all for righteousness, correctly thought that old ugly people should not be able to queue jump. Old people, maybe, but I draw the lines when it comes to old AND ugly (Do you ever notice that is the old, ugly people who are at the front of pension queues? It's because they queue-jump). I tapped the guy on the shoulder, and indicated that the line started behind the two other people behind me.
Now, if I was the only person in the queue, and they apologised, I would have let them off. However, instead of doing the polite thing, he just grunted and ignored me. I suppose it was a bit stupid of me to suppose that these pus filled, decrepitly jointed, pension scroungers would be, in any way, polite or considerate (Don't get me wrong, old people are upstanding denizens of society. Ugly people can be alright, as long as they use deoderant or suitable smelly stuff. I'm referring to old AND ugly people).
This promptly made me come up with the idea of a queue jumping prevention system. Well, I lie, I've had this idea for a while, but now I can use it in proper context.
Each till/booth/room/"whatever needs a queue" has a clearly marked lane with QUEUE written repeatedly in it. Along the edge of these lanes are a combination of high tech sensors and high power, industrial strength cutting lasers. At the start of this queue is a high tech tagging system.
Before I carry on, I will take a brief break to wash my hands. I just sneezed, and with no further options, I sneezed into my hand. The rest you can imagine. Please excuse me.
Now that I've returned with freshly washed hands, I may continue. Anyway, anyone who enters the queue at the designated start point is tagged with a teeny weeny microchip, which allows them to path unscathed into the queue. It also allows them to temporarly leave the queue and return, if, for example, mommy forgot to get nappies for baby Bobby. The sensors can also detect if someone is having to queue jump in an emergency, and allows them in. However, if someone, for example, a couple of exceedingly old and ugly people, tries to enter to queue by means of pushing in, they are instantly vapourised by the industrial strength lasers. Alternatively, if the person is detected as a chav, they are stunned by a millisecond blast of the laser, to be arrested for - erm - existing.
This device would bring order to the otherwise disordered world of queueing, and teach people who are both old and ugly that their life is no longer worth living since they can't push into queues anymore.
The question is: "How much for this wonderful, world-order restoring device?" I can tell you now! It only costs £187.99 a lane, with packets of 1000 microchips costing £9.99; it's a low price to pay for peace of mind that when you're number 3 in the queue, you will get served third. Please make all cheques payable to V. A. Porise Industries Ltd. Thank you.
Andrew, 1:58 PM
0 comments
