Andrew's Ridiculously Stupid Ideas
From mildy ridiculous to disgustingly ridiculous

There's nothing more irritating than finding yourself swamped by people, whether it be shopping, clubbing, or just generally on walk-abouts with your mates (or by yourself if you're a Nobby-No-Friends). So, a good while ago, I came up with the idea of a "crowd-control" device.

In principle, it's a rather simple philosophy. For example, if you see a truck barreling towards you at 70mph, you can either move out of the way, or paint the front of the truck in the colour "hint of body". I took this principle into a portable form.

The idea is so: A handheld, plough shaped device, with circular saws in small holes in the middle of each face of the plough. The saws are made in such a way that they make a horrific sound (like a chainsaw/hedgetrimmer hybrid). This firstly alerts people to your presence. They will glance at you heading in their direction, and, if intelligent, move out of the way of your oncoming bodice.

There will be two settings, "Safety" and "Chav". Safety mode is for the general populace. You don't actually want to hurt anyone with this device, as I'm sure even "Sillit BANG" would have a hard time removing the stains. Small sensors detect when someone gets too close, and put on patented "insta-brakes" which instantly stop the saws from rotating, thus saving the fortunate soul from contact with a highly abrasive cleaning agent later on (which, incidentally, would scratch the fine chrome finish on the device). Not only that, but it prevents you from having to spend long periods of time in jail, which would be a waste of time, considering your aim in using the device was to save a bit of time.

Alternatively, there is "Chav" setting. This requires special permission to use, a biometric scanner add-on (available separately) to prove that it's you using it, and a 48 digit individual PIN code, available from your local police station. When "Chav" mode is on, the safety sensors individually scan each person. If the person is judged to be a chav, the circular saws remain on (to those of you who don't know what a chav is, they are also named scallies, spides, rednecks etc. Basically the scum on the street that can't speak properly, wear fake Burberry baseball hats, whiter than white 3 striped/nike/kappa tracksuits, and the latest pair of Reebok trainers, and regularly rob old ladies of their pensions), slicing them into bitesize pieces for the local magpie population. Of course, small amounts of rat poison (specially designed, of course, so it only affects rats) are injected into each piece of flesh, as to cut down the rat population. So it has a double whammy effect. Not only does it remove chav scum from our streets of Britain, it also removes those festering plague animals, the rats.

As for price, the initial unit costs only £129.99, with biometric add-ons costing approximately £49.99 (at time of going to press). Also thrown in are 100 vouchers for 50% off Sillit BANG.

So, if crowds or chavs bother you, then this is the device for you! Make all cheques payable to "Mass A. Care Ltd." Thank you.