Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Road rage
You're driving along, minding your own business. I'm sure you've done it at some point (you don't have an excuse unless you're under 20 - anyone over 20 who's never driven needs to be deported to - erm - Iceland). You come to a junction, you have right of way, and then FWOOSH - some idiot in a souped up Nova (so hilariously stupid, the souped up Nova) nearly tears the engine from the framework of your car.
After being irritated/annoyed/enraged by this travesty, you drive on. Then suddenly a person with a pram steps out infront of you, and you screech to a halt. The mother then shouts at you as she believes it's her God given right to cross the road whenever and wherever she likes.
This has made me think up of an idea on how to stop such people from doing such ridiculously stupid things. I would never do anything so ridiculously stupid, so why should you or I have to put up with it? So, how do I plan on removing these scum from the roads of Britain/Europe/The World (except North Korea, although you may employ Italian chefs to cook you pizza, you cannot afford enough cars or prams to make this possible)?
It's simple really. In the case of really stupid pedestrians, I suggest that we install rocket engines in the soles of every single piece of footwear sold on Earth (excluding North Korea), along with satellite monitoring chips to both pedestrians and cars. When the monitoring satillite detects a pedestrian about to do something really stupid, it causes the rocket boots to fire, launching that person several thousand feet into the air. This safely removes them from harm's way, and prevents the driver having to break their no claims bonus to get their bumper/bonnet/windshield replaced. Not only would would this help save lives, but it would also benifit space travel research (imaging the money needed to research working, non exploding rocket boots that look fashionable?), but it will also aid the fabirc and parachute manufacturing businesses. Jobs in China would increase by several thousand to deal with manufacturing textiles to make "safe", cheap parachutes. It would also mean, as you are less likely to get run over, your life insurance premiums will go down by several pence. What great value!
Cars will have to go through a different procedures. Specialised adjudicators judge the personality of the drivers, and the design of the cars to determine what gets fitted to them. In the case of important people in expensive cars (eg, doctors in BMWs, politicians in Range Rovers, and old Mrs Tweedy from Hilburn Avenue in her Austin Metro) will be fitted with instant teleportation devices to instantly teleport them out of harms way. In the case of people of medium importance (Members of European Parliment* in their limos, Mr Jones, emergency locksmith for students in Stockton-on-Tees in his Ford Transit and Mr Kipling, who makes exceedingly good cakes, in his Peugeot cake van) will have spring launchers, to launch them over any obstacles (This obviously runs the risk of hitting a bridge or low flying birds, but as the majority of the population lives in this bracket, it would be hideously expensive for any more to be fitted without private contribution). Finally, for unimportant scumballs, such as Brooklyn Jay Grey in his souped up Vauxhall Nova, Chardonnay Wallace in her souped up Vauxhall Nova and Kim Jong Il in his North Korean Motors Super Duper Tank, a different system is installed. Sharing some similarities with the pedestrain system, a rocket booster system is installed in the bottom of the vehicle. Upon near collision, or stupidly idiotic driving, the rocket booster propells them into geostationary orbit around the moon. If they survive this week long journey (ie, if they have some cider in the glove compartment to drink), a MOAB** is launched from the US Super Secret Moon Base Alpha-3***, to safely detonate them away from people. This also provides minerals for mining when large scale colonization of the moon takes place.
This is a super way to protect the lives of people using our roads or paths. But the question is, how much will this cost? Let me tell you that a super secret colony of Malawian swamp grasses will manufacture the money for this epic project. I think that means we win! Of course, the option to upgrade your protection system for people of middling importance is open, for a small fee, payable to Soo. Purr. Industries Conglomerate. Thank you
* I don't actually like MEPs, as I don't like Brussels. The only reason I don't declassify them is because they stop France from invading Belgium, and I like Belgium.
** Massive Ordance Air Bomb for those of you who are uneducated in the ways of modern warfare. It creates the largest, most powerful non-nuclear explosion.
*** If you don't believe me, look at a full moon. See those dark spots arranged in the shape of an oddly suprised face? Those are American Super Secret Moon Bases. They were built in that way as a commemeration to George Bush. The design is called "And then he then realised Tony Blair wasn't the plumber".
After being irritated/annoyed/enraged by this travesty, you drive on. Then suddenly a person with a pram steps out infront of you, and you screech to a halt. The mother then shouts at you as she believes it's her God given right to cross the road whenever and wherever she likes.
This has made me think up of an idea on how to stop such people from doing such ridiculously stupid things. I would never do anything so ridiculously stupid, so why should you or I have to put up with it? So, how do I plan on removing these scum from the roads of Britain/Europe/The World (except North Korea, although you may employ Italian chefs to cook you pizza, you cannot afford enough cars or prams to make this possible)?
It's simple really. In the case of really stupid pedestrians, I suggest that we install rocket engines in the soles of every single piece of footwear sold on Earth (excluding North Korea), along with satellite monitoring chips to both pedestrians and cars. When the monitoring satillite detects a pedestrian about to do something really stupid, it causes the rocket boots to fire, launching that person several thousand feet into the air. This safely removes them from harm's way, and prevents the driver having to break their no claims bonus to get their bumper/bonnet/windshield replaced. Not only would would this help save lives, but it would also benifit space travel research (imaging the money needed to research working, non exploding rocket boots that look fashionable?), but it will also aid the fabirc and parachute manufacturing businesses. Jobs in China would increase by several thousand to deal with manufacturing textiles to make "safe", cheap parachutes. It would also mean, as you are less likely to get run over, your life insurance premiums will go down by several pence. What great value!
Cars will have to go through a different procedures. Specialised adjudicators judge the personality of the drivers, and the design of the cars to determine what gets fitted to them. In the case of important people in expensive cars (eg, doctors in BMWs, politicians in Range Rovers, and old Mrs Tweedy from Hilburn Avenue in her Austin Metro) will be fitted with instant teleportation devices to instantly teleport them out of harms way. In the case of people of medium importance (Members of European Parliment* in their limos, Mr Jones, emergency locksmith for students in Stockton-on-Tees in his Ford Transit and Mr Kipling, who makes exceedingly good cakes, in his Peugeot cake van) will have spring launchers, to launch them over any obstacles (This obviously runs the risk of hitting a bridge or low flying birds, but as the majority of the population lives in this bracket, it would be hideously expensive for any more to be fitted without private contribution). Finally, for unimportant scumballs, such as Brooklyn Jay Grey in his souped up Vauxhall Nova, Chardonnay Wallace in her souped up Vauxhall Nova and Kim Jong Il in his North Korean Motors Super Duper Tank, a different system is installed. Sharing some similarities with the pedestrain system, a rocket booster system is installed in the bottom of the vehicle. Upon near collision, or stupidly idiotic driving, the rocket booster propells them into geostationary orbit around the moon. If they survive this week long journey (ie, if they have some cider in the glove compartment to drink), a MOAB** is launched from the US Super Secret Moon Base Alpha-3***, to safely detonate them away from people. This also provides minerals for mining when large scale colonization of the moon takes place.
This is a super way to protect the lives of people using our roads or paths. But the question is, how much will this cost? Let me tell you that a super secret colony of Malawian swamp grasses will manufacture the money for this epic project. I think that means we win! Of course, the option to upgrade your protection system for people of middling importance is open, for a small fee, payable to Soo. Purr. Industries Conglomerate. Thank you
* I don't actually like MEPs, as I don't like Brussels. The only reason I don't declassify them is because they stop France from invading Belgium, and I like Belgium.
** Massive Ordance Air Bomb for those of you who are uneducated in the ways of modern warfare. It creates the largest, most powerful non-nuclear explosion.
*** If you don't believe me, look at a full moon. See those dark spots arranged in the shape of an oddly suprised face? Those are American Super Secret Moon Bases. They were built in that way as a commemeration to George Bush. The design is called "And then he then realised Tony Blair wasn't the plumber".
Andrew, 9:15 PM
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