Thursday, November 17, 2005
Bananaland
No society is perfect. Regardless of what we all think, flaws proliferate soceity, much like mould has proliferated into one of my flatmate's wall. Like a green slime, flaws coat society, and bring with it corruption, disease and reality TV shows. So, why not invent the "perfect" nation? I say perfect in inverted commas as no society can be truly perfect, but that can't stop me making a damn good stab at it eh?
I propose Bananaland. Located on a remote island somewhere in the Atlantic, placed cunningly outside the Bermuda Triangle so it doesn't go missing, this will be the home of a new nation of near utopia, where wants and needs no longer feature in the day to day life of the citizens.
I of course, would be supreme emperor of this nation, as I have the vision necessary to make this utopia. It won't be a dictatorship, like many African rulers favour, more of a "father-knows-best" state, where each of my decisions reflects the positive society I would preside over.
Now you may wonder why it's called "Bananaland". This name is a cunning ploy to disguise the fact that the nation's main food will be the banana. However, you will not have to pay for these fresh, tasty bananas, oh no. Instead, the state allocates you a set number of bananas per day, to do whatever you wish with. This cunning system also is incorporated into our crime and punishment system. Instead of being put in jail, your banana rations are reduced accordingly, depending on the severity of the crime you commited. Hungry people are desperate people, and a healthy dose of desperation can help any criminal get over their criminal tendencies.
Of course, for this to work, Bananaland will ban all other foodstuffs. Nutrition will not be a problem, as everyone gets our patented "mega-tablet", which supplies all the vitamins and minerals you need to live and prosper (minus the contents of the bananas of course, to tie-in with our crime and punishment system). All will be well, and no-one will starve. Honest.
Secondly, there will be no such thing as money. Pidgeons will manufacture everything, which will be freely available to any citizien of Bananaland. Of course, pidgeons tend to shit a lot, which is why one of the first projects will be a mechanicised production scheme, using purely robots. Of course, robots manufacturing robots is never a good idea (eg, I, Robot), which is why Will Smith will be posted on the island to deal with any renegade robots that try to destroy our way of life. People order what they want, and they are fabricated using materials that have been but into dumps elsewhere in the world. Using a special teleportation device installed on top of our tallest peak, Mount Megahuge, it will be able to teleport anything on Earth anywhere, and as there is so much waste in the world, we can use it to not only recycle and reduce pollution, but make stuff for free!
Defence will never be an issue. Using our patented "sea plughole" technology, approaching enemy ships will be beached when the world's oceans are sucked away through a plughole. We will of course, control the tap (faucet if you're American and don't understand what a tap is), and can refill the sea whenever the naval threat is open. Wormy anti-bomb-bombs will be used to control any missile threat, and our "Sky eraser" will rid the skies of enemy bombers by teleporting them to the moon. Spies will be caught by "Mind Reader Inc.", a state company which implants monitoring chips in the minds of all people in the country by instantly fabricating the chip inside the person's skull upon entering our national territory. Those who are try to act against our state will be detected, and teleported to the top of K2 (It's harder to climb than Mount Everest). So security will not be an issue.
Weather will never bother us. I will control the weather using my genetically modified owl bridgade, who, using a complex series of lasers, explosions and psychic powers, will change the weather at will. The great thing about this system is that it's accurate to 1m squared, so you can create ultra small patches of weather to meet everyone's needs.
We will also create a space program, aiming to put a man on Pluto by next Saturday, and a colony on ARTX-1173B (a yet undiscovered, but habitable planet) by the following Thursday. In the end, we will control the world with our benevolent father-knows-best tactics.
Currently, there are 9,603 spaces left on the Bananaland citizen reserve list. If you want to join, send a cheque of £34.99 (£30.99 administration and £4 P&P) to me as soon as possible. Thank you.
I propose Bananaland. Located on a remote island somewhere in the Atlantic, placed cunningly outside the Bermuda Triangle so it doesn't go missing, this will be the home of a new nation of near utopia, where wants and needs no longer feature in the day to day life of the citizens.
I of course, would be supreme emperor of this nation, as I have the vision necessary to make this utopia. It won't be a dictatorship, like many African rulers favour, more of a "father-knows-best" state, where each of my decisions reflects the positive society I would preside over.
Now you may wonder why it's called "Bananaland". This name is a cunning ploy to disguise the fact that the nation's main food will be the banana. However, you will not have to pay for these fresh, tasty bananas, oh no. Instead, the state allocates you a set number of bananas per day, to do whatever you wish with. This cunning system also is incorporated into our crime and punishment system. Instead of being put in jail, your banana rations are reduced accordingly, depending on the severity of the crime you commited. Hungry people are desperate people, and a healthy dose of desperation can help any criminal get over their criminal tendencies.
Of course, for this to work, Bananaland will ban all other foodstuffs. Nutrition will not be a problem, as everyone gets our patented "mega-tablet", which supplies all the vitamins and minerals you need to live and prosper (minus the contents of the bananas of course, to tie-in with our crime and punishment system). All will be well, and no-one will starve. Honest.
Secondly, there will be no such thing as money. Pidgeons will manufacture everything, which will be freely available to any citizien of Bananaland. Of course, pidgeons tend to shit a lot, which is why one of the first projects will be a mechanicised production scheme, using purely robots. Of course, robots manufacturing robots is never a good idea (eg, I, Robot), which is why Will Smith will be posted on the island to deal with any renegade robots that try to destroy our way of life. People order what they want, and they are fabricated using materials that have been but into dumps elsewhere in the world. Using a special teleportation device installed on top of our tallest peak, Mount Megahuge, it will be able to teleport anything on Earth anywhere, and as there is so much waste in the world, we can use it to not only recycle and reduce pollution, but make stuff for free!
Defence will never be an issue. Using our patented "sea plughole" technology, approaching enemy ships will be beached when the world's oceans are sucked away through a plughole. We will of course, control the tap (faucet if you're American and don't understand what a tap is), and can refill the sea whenever the naval threat is open. Wormy anti-bomb-bombs will be used to control any missile threat, and our "Sky eraser" will rid the skies of enemy bombers by teleporting them to the moon. Spies will be caught by "Mind Reader Inc.", a state company which implants monitoring chips in the minds of all people in the country by instantly fabricating the chip inside the person's skull upon entering our national territory. Those who are try to act against our state will be detected, and teleported to the top of K2 (It's harder to climb than Mount Everest). So security will not be an issue.
Weather will never bother us. I will control the weather using my genetically modified owl bridgade, who, using a complex series of lasers, explosions and psychic powers, will change the weather at will. The great thing about this system is that it's accurate to 1m squared, so you can create ultra small patches of weather to meet everyone's needs.
We will also create a space program, aiming to put a man on Pluto by next Saturday, and a colony on ARTX-1173B (a yet undiscovered, but habitable planet) by the following Thursday. In the end, we will control the world with our benevolent father-knows-best tactics.
Currently, there are 9,603 spaces left on the Bananaland citizen reserve list. If you want to join, send a cheque of £34.99 (£30.99 administration and £4 P&P) to me as soon as possible. Thank you.
Andrew, 8:07 PM
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