Andrew's Ridiculously Stupid Ideas
From mildy ridiculous to disgustingly ridiculous

Well ladies and gents, it's been a very interesting week, what with all the fog at British airports holding up all the planes and the people trying to get away from our nasty, evil and mean British weather.

For a start, I'd like to say, "Serves them bloody well right!" How could they leave our most wonderful land of Britishness, where we're all lazy, fat bastards who eat too many chips and watch too much television! How dare they suggest that anywhere is better than our high-crime, shitty healthcare and education nation. Jeez!

Anyhoo, it got me thinking. Fog is a nasty bugger. While there is fog about, the nation sinks into a nasty position. Car accidents go on the increase, people's lives are disrupted, animals can't see prey and die of starvation and the pregnancy rates go through the roof. Not only this, but the US government cant use their big spy satellites to see what Joe Bloggs is plotting in his back garden. Shock horror, it truly is a most disturbing time, when the fog descends upon us. So I thought, why not make a device that gets rid of fog!

Now, this couldn't just be any old device. No no, it would have to produce FREE ENERGY to make it viable. That's right folks, free energy. It would get rid of fog by sucking it in a giant trumped shaped nozzle in the top. From here, it would pipe the fog through a special vortex to hell. Now, as we all know, hell is very hot. We've all been there at least once. As everyone in hell knows, it's too hot, so we create a trade-off. The heat from hell would be used to heat water to steam, which would, in turn, turn turbines, creating a source of energy. Meanwhile, the people in hell get fog. How's this any use I hear you ask? Well, I'll let the following discussion elaborate on that point.

"Tum te dum de dum de dahh....."
"Erm, what are you doing?"
"I'm creating energy. Free energy!"
"Mmmhmmm. Free energy, thus defying all laws of physics and everything the scientific community stands for."
"Yup, that's right."
"So where does this energy come from?"
"Well, you need a source of fog."
"Fog."
"Fog."
"Fog?"
"Fog."
"Fog?"
"Right shut up."
"Ahem, so what, you use fog to create free energy?"
"Yup."
"And how, in Mary, Jesus and Joseph's name do you figure that will work?"
"That was an oddly appropriate statement considering the time of year."
"Why yes, yes it was. Anyway, continue."
"Well, you pipe in fog here through this trumpet shaped device, which, through a special vortex, takes it to hell. Then, the heat from hell comes through, heating water here, which turns to steam and turns turbines. It's a most wonderful idea, even if I do say so myself."
"You pipe heat. From Hell."
"Yes, it's mutually beneficial."
"Mutually beneficial. How in baby Jesus' name do you figure that out?"
"Oddly seasonal again."
"Just shut up and answer the question."
"Well duh, fog is cold."
"Oh yes, stupid me" *rolls eyes*
"So what do you think?"
"It's not free energy."
"Yes it is."
"You're trading fog for heat."
"Yes."
"So it's not free"
"Yes it is."
"You're a fucking stupid retard. Did your mother ever tell you that?"
"No."
"Well you're a fucking stupid retard."

I hope this explained how the Fog-O-Matic H311 works. Now, to fund such a device, I need some money, and a deity's co-operation on this front. Could you please send me tons of cash if you're human, and if you're a god of any kind, please take one of the application forms from your local "Yaweh!" mail offices and fill it in. Thanks and Merry Christmas if you're into all that jazz.