Andrew's Ridiculously Stupid Ideas
From mildy ridiculous to disgustingly ridiculous

Just a message to the overtly devout followers of my blog (which number in the single digits I'm sure) that I wish you Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays, or whatever the hell you celebrate at this time of year!

Well ladies and gents, it's been a very interesting week, what with all the fog at British airports holding up all the planes and the people trying to get away from our nasty, evil and mean British weather.

For a start, I'd like to say, "Serves them bloody well right!" How could they leave our most wonderful land of Britishness, where we're all lazy, fat bastards who eat too many chips and watch too much television! How dare they suggest that anywhere is better than our high-crime, shitty healthcare and education nation. Jeez!

Anyhoo, it got me thinking. Fog is a nasty bugger. While there is fog about, the nation sinks into a nasty position. Car accidents go on the increase, people's lives are disrupted, animals can't see prey and die of starvation and the pregnancy rates go through the roof. Not only this, but the US government cant use their big spy satellites to see what Joe Bloggs is plotting in his back garden. Shock horror, it truly is a most disturbing time, when the fog descends upon us. So I thought, why not make a device that gets rid of fog!

Now, this couldn't just be any old device. No no, it would have to produce FREE ENERGY to make it viable. That's right folks, free energy. It would get rid of fog by sucking it in a giant trumped shaped nozzle in the top. From here, it would pipe the fog through a special vortex to hell. Now, as we all know, hell is very hot. We've all been there at least once. As everyone in hell knows, it's too hot, so we create a trade-off. The heat from hell would be used to heat water to steam, which would, in turn, turn turbines, creating a source of energy. Meanwhile, the people in hell get fog. How's this any use I hear you ask? Well, I'll let the following discussion elaborate on that point.

"Tum te dum de dum de dahh....."
"Erm, what are you doing?"
"I'm creating energy. Free energy!"
"Mmmhmmm. Free energy, thus defying all laws of physics and everything the scientific community stands for."
"Yup, that's right."
"So where does this energy come from?"
"Well, you need a source of fog."
"Fog."
"Fog."
"Fog?"
"Fog."
"Fog?"
"Right shut up."
"Ahem, so what, you use fog to create free energy?"
"Yup."
"And how, in Mary, Jesus and Joseph's name do you figure that will work?"
"That was an oddly appropriate statement considering the time of year."
"Why yes, yes it was. Anyway, continue."
"Well, you pipe in fog here through this trumpet shaped device, which, through a special vortex, takes it to hell. Then, the heat from hell comes through, heating water here, which turns to steam and turns turbines. It's a most wonderful idea, even if I do say so myself."
"You pipe heat. From Hell."
"Yes, it's mutually beneficial."
"Mutually beneficial. How in baby Jesus' name do you figure that out?"
"Oddly seasonal again."
"Just shut up and answer the question."
"Well duh, fog is cold."
"Oh yes, stupid me" *rolls eyes*
"So what do you think?"
"It's not free energy."
"Yes it is."
"You're trading fog for heat."
"Yes."
"So it's not free"
"Yes it is."
"You're a fucking stupid retard. Did your mother ever tell you that?"
"No."
"Well you're a fucking stupid retard."

I hope this explained how the Fog-O-Matic H311 works. Now, to fund such a device, I need some money, and a deity's co-operation on this front. Could you please send me tons of cash if you're human, and if you're a god of any kind, please take one of the application forms from your local "Yaweh!" mail offices and fill it in. Thanks and Merry Christmas if you're into all that jazz.

It's nearing Christmas time dear readers of Earth. Christmas, the time of celebration of Christ, the time to celebrate a little baby being born onto this earth to spread peace to all mankind, provide hope, and more importantly, fuel the reasoning behind the crusades. An amazing story of incredible importance and significance.

Or so you are told. I've always wondered what wold happen if someone were to take the story of little baby Jesus being born, and turned it upside down. It would be terrible! Christmas would become Satanistic, which would be disasterous for Fleet Street. I mean Woolworths is having a bad enogh time as it is without having to worry about Christmas being a time to celebrate evil.

But imagine how the story would go. In 4 C.B., a baby called Tsirhc Susej was born to Yram in the little town of Mehelhteb. This baby was evil. The epitomy of evil! Not only did he shit in his nappies twice as much as a normal baby but he projectile vomited all over the Roman statisticians when they tried to take census data. Repeatedly. Anyway, there was a good King called Doreh. He foresaw this evil. When people said "zOMG! Teh kill3r of all teh werld has arreved!" he jumped to his feet and told his soldiers to slay only this evil babby (I said babby, not baby, it's cuter, awwww) for he is Satan defined! The soldiers, being soldiers of good, went forth to slay this baby. When they found baby Tsirhc Susej, they slayed him where he lay. However, since he was evil, EVIL I say, he rose from the dead and burnt the entire population of the world to ashes, bar the people of current day Somalia and Vanatu. Ever since, people used the 25th December as a celebration of this evil event.

The End.

Now, imagine this actually happened, and imagine Christmas was, infact, a Satanistic festival. Firstly, and foremostly, it would be confusing. Satanists have this really irritating habit of reversing words, which, frankly, is stupid (For those of you who are either too dense or just plain retarded, Tsirhc Susej is Jesus Christ backwards). It pisses me off to no end it does. How stupid do you have to be to have to reverse your words just so you can be different. Doing so reverses the classification of anyone who does so fromintelligent to stupid twatface. Sheesh. Also, Christmas would be a time of going round with T-Shirts that say "C.U. in hell!" (aka Christian Union), "It's cold at Christmas, a nice stint in the depths of hell can warm your feet anyday" and "zOMG Xmaz i5 teh sux0rzzz!". Your local travel agents would be offering holidays to such destinations as "The Hood, Brooklyn", The Red Light District in Amsterdam and the "All you can slay"-fest in Midwest America, which, frankly, are of no interest to anyone at the current time. Ahem.

And then what about presents? I for one am a commercialised bastard, I like my presents at Chrimbo. What would I get instead? Ash? Coal? A very stained pair of ex-Russian underwear? God knows. Or would he during this time of incredible evil?

All in all, it would be a sucky event. As a result, I think it is of clear importance that we make sure it never happens. If anyone can be bothered, we'll march towards Parliament shouting "Christmas is for the masses, not just for the Satanists!" and "Satanists sllab yeknom kcus!" All who agree, send me lots of money!

You know, although I haven't updated this blog in a long while, I do have an excuse. An excuse that I'm not going to tell you because I don't respect the intelligence of my readers, but an excuse none-the-less.

However, something drove me to update this fanciful blog today. It's all based off that radiation poisoning of the ex-KGB Russian agent, Libbydubby or Litsudenaa or Litvenkopoo or whatever the hell his name is, or rather, the Italian buddy he met at that sushi bar before he died.

The guy in question has enough faults as it is. He was alledgedly poisoned, and he's Italian, so altogether an unfortunate bloke. However, what's more unfortunate is his name. His name dear readers. You know what his name is. It's Gaidar. Gaidar. A sorry sounding name for a sorry sounding person. However, it got me thinking. I have a friend called Terran. Not an unfortunate one, but a weird one none-the-less. What would be more unfortunate would be if he was called "Peniscrusher", as that would be an unfortunate and thoroughly stupid name.

Mind you, we hear that different and "interesting" names will set you up well in life. According to the most thorough and just scientific research by the scientists from that University that you're sure you've-heard-of-but-have-no-idea-where-it-is-and-how-much-you-have-to-pay-to-get-a-doctorate-from, people with weird and wonderful names are more likely to succeed at interviews, get a higher paid job and generally have a successful life. That is if you manage to survive the first 15 years of torment from your schoolfriend because your mother thought she was being original when she called you "Moonraker Baby", as someone, I've heard of, was unfortunately called.

Now you see, if we all had unfortunate names like "Bodecea", "Arsemingledmonkey", "Mieter Binesdirtey", "Dickface" or "G. Bush", everything would be well and fine! As I said earlier, scientific research shows you'll do better in interviews and get more money from your job. Not only this, but the added brilliance is that if everyone has a stupid name, then you'll not have to spend the first 15 years of your life being figuratively hung, drawn and quartered, with your entrails used to strangle your best friend and your pet kitten. You see, once again, I have a wonderful idea.

Now anyone who thinks this is a good idea should sent a SAE to Downing Street telling them of my great policy. And how about sending me money too. I like money and I want to buy stuff at Christmas. Indeed.